I am a woman. A mother. I used to be a wife.
I am a writer. A climber. A long distance swimmer. A ponderer. I am a lover of people, encounters, nature, animals, Stinson Beach, Limantour Beach and all of West Marin, CA. I love to laugh. Hard. Side-splitting, aching laughter. And I love to cry. Deeply cleansing tears with a purpose. I’m not afraid to feel. I’m not afraid of anything.
When I received the Pocket Call and listened to my husband and his mistress order a bottle of wine to take to their room, I took back my life. That very night I stood outside, under the stars, and made a commitment to the Universe and to myself: I will make this the best thing that ever happened to me. From that day forward I’ve been brave. Very brave.
I’m faced with making choices every day about how to navigate the challenges of being betrayed and moving gracefully through divorce. I choose magic. Joy. Fearlessness and vulnerability. Honesty and integrity. I choose to live fully present in the moment and to see the signs. I choose to believe that nature guides me, that I can create magic anywhere, and that every person who reads His Giant Mistake is a gift to me.
I hope my writings are a gift to them.
HGM is a raw account of how infidelity is changing my world. No real names are used.
But everything else is real. More real than it’s been in years. Every step I take, I take with the love and support of HGM kittens worldwide. Together we’ve created a community that has proven to help speed the processing of grief that comes with betrayal and divorce, without taking any shortcuts. Together, we’ve made a commitment to optimism, following nature’s lead and creating daily magic.
Today we live without the fear of being used or lied to – together we live fully, honestly, and with massive gratitude. We let go.
And we look damn fine doing it.
I’m so very grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I don’t think that I’ve ever sat in front of my laptop and read ANYTHING with such interest before. I KNOW I’ve never sat with my jaw on my desk for as long as it was while I devoured every word of this still-coming masterpiece of literary-shared betrayal. The style of writing is intoxicating and consuming. Sadly, the reality of why it’s been written is horrific and beyond sad. Not that the writer is not going to rise from the ashes, stronger and even more amazing that she obviously already is!
I know a thing (or 2!) about narcissists and only wish that I’d had the outlet of a blog (and of course the talent to write so eloquently!) to have helped me take stock of where I was, where I was going and how I dealt with such awful people for as long as I did. Reading these installments has been like a therapy for me.
The writer’s courage, inner-strength and most of all, sense of humor astounds me. I am going to share these glorious pages with as many people as I can. There is so much to be learned among these words.
I eagerly await the next chapter and although I am a strong believer in karma and I know that wishing ill towards people is a bad thing?..I really look forward to reading in detail what happens when ?The Genius? hits the wall that he?s catapulted himself into.
Tommy,
Whoa. Wow. Are you sure you’re not my mom? I’m printing out this comment and reading it every morning. Then again at mid-morning. By 4PM I’ll be up to 20 reads. Screw that…I’m getting this masterpiece tattooed on my ass. No, my face. How about a perpetually repeating tattoo that covers my whole being?
Thank you. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to write it out. It elevates my spirit, makes me laugh, lets me process, and brings me in touch with people like you. I couldn’t be more grateful. More excited about the possibilities. And willing to simply let life unfold, day after glorious day.
I love life. I love to write. I love to love. I just don’t love narcissistic nut jobs.
…I’m beginning to think His Giant Mistake should be renamed His Greatest Gift To Me. But why mess with a good thing?
Love yourself,
Cleo
That could be the subtitle.
Amazing writing and its encouraging me to start something like this on a profound and enlightening self (re)discovery experience from my life…
Cleo, I agree with Tommy’s recap of your incredible words and journey. My divorce was 5 years ago but reading your account has brought all the “I can’t believe I’m joining the divorced ranks” feelings I had back then. I did not have the infidelity but I did have the reality check that my 10 year marriage was over bec my ex was never going to be the man I’d begged him to be since before we married. Therapy (didn’t work!) and self-reflection led me to make the move to end it and since then I’ve built the life I should’ve had all along. My two daughters hopefully learned that a Lady doesn’t sit and wait for others to change her world. My blog http://www.40shereicome.blogspot.com began a few years later after my rebound romance ended and I was suddenly truly alone in my divorce.
“My blog http://www.40shereicome.blogspot.com began a few years later after my rebound romance ended and I was suddenly truly alone in my divorce.”
Great blog, Tx. Ah, rebound romances… Romance in general simply does not resonate with me right now. But encounters that lead to self-discovery do. And remaining on my individual path regardless of who drifts in or out, or stays, is essential.
Therapy didn’t work? Wha?
Self-reflection always does.
Thank you for your kind words, your love of flying and your presence here on HGM.
Love yourself,
Cleo
What I figured out after two different therapists sat before me looking bored (one even stopped me mid-sentence to call his family to let them know something he’d obviously been thinking about while I was talking….I wanted to punch him) was that my girlfriends were FREE THERAPY! Wine and girl-time kicked real therapy’s ass.
Tx,
No. Way. Called his family? A spicy zin and the ladies are great medicine. You know with them you will laugh. And cry. And develop a bond that is unique to us. So very special.
I hope that is what you are doing right this very minute.
Love yourself,
Cleo
BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO
I am overwhelmed and overjoyed as I read your words…words that have been so much like mine – in so many ways. I am a divorced mother of 3 beautiful daughters…and it all began with receiving my own “pocket-call”, which lasted almost 14 minutes, from my then husband on a DATE?!. I will never forget the feeling as I listened….I felt like I was being swallowed up from everything I had known to be real & true. And as I’m sure you will not be surprised…to this day….he still denies the call ever even happened….I just was crazy…heard it all wrong…misinterpreted. As if.
I applaude you for your journey and I will read on….and continue mine with you.
Kim,
I bow, I lunge for the roses, I bow again. Thank you. Now let me applaud you. She claps hard and long. Thank you.
Denial is a odd action. When you are denying something you know to be true it doesn’t feel good. It actually feels pretty awful. I want to scream from the mountain tops, “Lying makes you a COWARD! Own your stuff, people!” That pocket call was my wake-up call. Was yours? I’m taking the reigns now. But not from a place of anger or hatred, from a place of responsibility. It IS my responsibility to give voice to myself, set my boundaries, and live a heart-centered, joyous life. That means if someone is bringing negativity or crap to my table they get bounced. Not judging them, they are on their own journey. But they can’t share my path. In my heart I say, “Run along little one…be off with you.” When I do that, I feel my Being, my soul extend it’s gratitude for being respected.
Love yourself, Kim. And don’t go far…we’ll be right here.
Cleo
You’re a fabulous writer! Your posts are incredibly cathartic and moving. I’m sorry for the pain you’ve had to go through…however.
Trish,
Thank you! I appreciate your empathy. But for those experiencing this pain, i want to be sure they read this: I am not sorry. I’m so grateful for the pain that I want to throw it a parade! It’s awakened me to my core. I’m alive. I feel. I am whole. If it took The Genius’ affair to get me here, so be it.
Maybe I should send him a present. Like, say, directions on how to use the auto-lock function on one’s cell phone.
Trish – stay with me and…
Love yourself,
Cleo
My colleage just forwarded me the link to your blog. OMG. I’m living this now, and just today had to deal with my ex about a matter that has me at my desk in tears. I look forward to reading all your blogs to see what happened in your circumstance, how you’re coping, and hoping that you have words of wisdom for me in this difficult journey.
Sara,
Let the tears flow and then bid them farewell. Do I have words…but first a virtual hug.
A very important mentor has drilled into my head the following: It’s not the form, it’s how you meet it. Meaning, it’s not what is happening around you but how you choose to respond. My response M.O. is to first ask myself why this particular situation is happening. It could be a biggie like finding out about The Genius’ affair or something small like why did I hit my head on the cook-top vent three times today? My answer comes from my core, not my brain. (Don’t get me wrong – love the brain. But the brain loves to get sucked into bitchy, negative, ineffective conversations about everyone else but you.) Focus on your feelings about what happened, how you reacted to it, how that felt to you, and how you can learn from the event. Forget about him, his motivations, his narcissism, his lack of empathy, his detached state, his need to be always right…just forget about him.
This journey for you and for me is about us. I still have so much to learn about what is going on, but I know that every time I take the focus away from loving myself and focus on The Genius I feel crappy. I actually feel my chest get tight. Each negative comment about him that rolls around in my brain affects my entire being. I finally got to the point where I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I trained myself to be aware of how words said out loud or in my head made me feel. I check in with my center, my Being, my core about every move I make. Does this support me? Does this feel good to me? And if it does then I’m in full tilt. Sara, this is not being selfish. Doing for you is exactly what is expected of you. It’s your responsibility to yourself. This week I am working on boundaries. Join me. Don’t let him ever call you at the office again. Tell him when it is acceptable to contact you and in what manner. And then make a list of all your other boundaries. This is about you, Sara. Because you’re worth it, you’re beautiful, the Universe loves you to pieces and we all want the best for you. So…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m speechless at your words. I’ll read and reread them tonight, and am so grateful for every word you’ve taken the time to write to me. They ring absolutely true, I feel them, and I know that I have the strength to push through the turmoil for myself, my future, for the promise of so many bright days ahead. For me. And the joys of life that I deserve. I walked into my bedroom over a year ago to see him in my bed with her. My deodorant and makeup on the dresser, kids pictures and artwork on my walls. It went on for a year, I knew her, they’d wait till I went to work. She’s a psyche prof. (ironic huh?). No, he’s not apologetic, and I know never will be. He says his loses are my fault, that I pushed him into having an affair. Wow. Fascinating perspective. So, moving forwards as a woman, and mom of two beautiful girls (6 and 8), today is an important day for me – I got the chance to connect with you, to which I’m grateful. I will follow you and look forward to your next blog. Thanks for the virtual hug, right back at you for your inspiration.
Thank you Cleo.
Sara
Sara,
I feel your bravery on this most important day for us both. Tears fall…we need a third classification. Tears of Joy, Tears of Sadness and Tears of Love. These are tears of love for you. Do you have any idea how much you are helping me? You are priceless.
A psyche professor? I’ll say it again…the mind can justify anything. Letting the mind run the show is a very dangerous thing to do. Stay on your path. Nurture your daughters. Come from the heart. And take full advantage of this amazing opportunity to create your life, for you. I can’t wait to hear all about it.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo – Amazing. I devoured your every word. Yes, I was cheated on too – not by a Genius but by The Prick….his affair with a Swedish nanny (clichés abound) started when I was pregnant with twins. No pocket call reveal, but a text sent at the wrong time. My world came crashing down then. It took a long time – TOO LONG – for me to finally get rid of The Prick. What did it take? I flew home with my kids for some much needed “thinking” time, and flying back to him – a TRANSATLANTIC FLIGHT WITH 2 INFANTS – and he wasn’t there to pick us up at the airport. He had us wait 4 HOURS there….due to time spent with his nanny (I assume, he denies) but waiting 4 hours at an airport with my by-that-time manic children…no. My love for him completely dies that day. Fast forward to now and I literally can laugh at him when he picks up the kids. He looks awful and smells awful and I simply cannot believe I put up with it for so long. Now I’m 1000x happier in a great job, with a great partner, and a great additional baby from said partner.
You are apparently also on that way to greatness. Thank you for sharing and love to you!
Tara,
No. Way. Transatlantic flight with 2 infants? I would be hard-pressed to take them to the dry cleaners! I am bowing down to you.
Being left at the airport…so symbolic. A place where many new journeys begin. He chose to not come. You chose to let him go. And you were rewarded for respecting yourself enough to do so. Fear keeps people in relationships they should leave, in cycles they can’t break, in holding patterns because society says they are too fragile to go live. Society crams fear down our throats as often as possible because it keeps everybody in line.
Striking out on your own with infant twins? Loads to fear there, but you did it! I am so happy for you. Thank you for taking the time to comment and share your story with us. And for reminding us to be wary of the Swedish nanny!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ah, how the transatlantic comment rings my memory bells. there were many over 17 years, but the most important ones were those to meet him after we were married – and to begin our new life – and the final, desperate one, child in tow, and a cat… back to the mother country, here, after a two year brutal custody battle. We fled – rather, I fled, once custody was granted. It broke his heart but I had two choices: break his heart or shatter my being. I could not tolerate the latter.
Your blog is so wonderful, so expressive, so… as the Brits might say; spot on. My sister sent me the link and I have been reading since arriving home from work.
So many blessings and good wishes to you and to all of us who have made this journey, kicking and screaming and wailing and gnashing, sometimes…
but good God how sweet it is when the wailing is replaced by peace and restful sleep.
As Marjo Thomas said (and probably many before her!): free to be ME.
M,
Beautiful said, m’lady. Beautifully said.
Free to be ME, and the willingness to do so. To accept, graciously, who we are and to cherish our individuality. It seems natural to do that, but it’s hard. We want to be loved so we bend and sway to meet the desires of others. And then we lose ourselves.
Being present and aware has helped me to stay true to myself. I work on that daily. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here with me, with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
Was directed here yesterday via one of my favorite gossip sites and am so glad the author included your link.
Your story is shocking and sad, but at the same time, incredibly exciting and inspiring. Thank you for opening up your life and yourself to us.
Lana,
Well said. It’s sad and exciting. As life is meant to be. We experience both ends of the emotional spectrum to know what it feels like and to hopefully, eventually find peace in a central place. A place that is neither giddy nor morose. Neither good nor bad.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I opened my life up to heal and I was rewarded with an amazing group of people form all over the world who have spontaneously come together to support each other. I SO want to get you all in one big room for a massive group hug. I bet the love and light that would be created in that room could power Vegas.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am completely engrossed in your story. Your courage, clarity and humor are amazing – and inspirational.
Your decision to not out The Genius and the Happy Dance Chick by publishing their names is an unbelievable show of self-restraint. Not sure I could exercise same.
Peace and love to you as you move through this journey.
Natasha,
Thank you for your kind words. I’m inspired by all of you! It’s like a big, gooey love-fest in here. I never want to leave.
I didn’t have to restrain myself from using their real names. HGM is for us alone. It’s mine. It’s yours. It’s not for them. They are merely bit players in this story. This is about me. Us. A journey through betrayal with humor and honesty as our map. I hope you are in it for the long haul.
Love yourself,
Cleo
sorry – messed up my email address in the previous post. correct one is above.
Thank you for sharing this story and being so brave and open. I chose to end a toxic marriage almost a year ago and I find your words so inspiring. I am also trying to figure out what it is that I fear or why I didn’t love myself and how those issues drove me to ignore my boundaries and settle for a bad relationship. Your posts are full of phrases I want to write on Post-Its and stick around my home. I WILL have a joyous life and love myself. While I’m trying to get there, keep it coming please!
Ellen,
I am not going anywhere. I’ll write until my fingers throb – which actually happened this weekend!
“While I’m trying to get there…” You are there. You are here. Now. Stay in the present and love yourself NOW. There’s no need to GET anywhere. Take this delicious opportunity to explore yourself. It’s so very rewarding. And the progress, or shifts, that occur happen fast. It doesn’t have to be this slow, painful process when one is healing from betrayal. There is no right length of time.
I am so grateful to have had this game-changer happen because it redirected me to why I am here. It’s not to live happily ever after, picking daisies and canning fruit. It’s to bond with myself. Luxuriate in the process of creating myself. And to value and be grateful for all the people who come and walk with me for whatever time suits them as I continue my journey. They are free to come and go, and I am free to live. Not that canning fruit is bad.
You ARE having a joyous life. I can feel it. Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Gosh, even though we’re unique, we’ve all got such similar stories. I found out because his mistress called to tell me all. ALL. They’d just had a fight, you see. I said she did it to punish him as we’d already separated the week before. He stands by her, saying she did it because she was tired of the secrets and lies. Just a coincidence I guess that she called 30 seconds after their fight. Cleo I struggle to focus on what’s important (me, my healing and my future) and get stuck focusing on them. Thank you for writing your blog. It is helping me in ways I’m not even clear on, but it is helping.
Patty,
Whoa…that must have been SOME phone call. Hugging you massively.
About a month ago all I could think about was The Genius and his bat-crazy entourage. It was really screwing with my body and heart. Slowly at first, I started to realize that it was a lazy habit on my part. Focusing on them took the focus off of me. It’s much easier to rattle off negative thoughts about others than it is to nurture your own fears, calm your own inner-child, embrace your flaws. I also noticed that many of these negative thoughts I had were role-playing conversations I fantasized about. What I would say if I had the chance.
When I took the opportunity to actually say it I released those feelings and thoughts. They just stopped. It is crucial for us to speak our minds in a productive way so that we can open up our hearts.
I urge you to read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. This is how to live life. Right here, right now…there is no other place I’d rather be. (Man, I miss Jesus Jones. Great song.)
Love yourself, beautiful!
Cleo
Whoa. A friend forwarded
your blog to me yesterday and I read every single entry last night. Your story makes my heart break, as my marriage is currently in a rocky state, but I am also inspired by the new sense of self that you are gaining each day! You are amazing and strong and I am sure your future is very bright!! Your children are going to grow up to be such incredible men after having you for a mother!
Side note – you are a VERY gifted writer! Embrace it and write a book girl!! I absolutely LOVE your style, humor, and your ability to leave us readers craving more! I wish you nothing but the best. Keep it up!
Melissa,
Thank you so much, M, for your kind words. I hope you didn’t stay up too late last night! But I truly appreciate your perseverance.
In light of the state of your marriage, please take exceptional care of yourself. Exercise your Observer Self, and make sure that you are always being true to yourself. We’re here to support you. Be gentle. Be open and compassionate. And if all else fails then the journey you are on is not exactly what you expected, but will likely be much more brilliant than you anticipated.
M, the idea of writing a book…it brings tears to my eyes. I have wanted to write one for years. The Genius told me that if he couldn’t follow his creative dreams than what makes me think I deserve to follow mine while he brings home the paycheck. I will NEVER forget that. Never.
And so I shall write a book.
Love yourself – I do!
Cleo
Oh MY! How I am compelled to add this, dear Cleo:
Before it all vaporized (which took far too long), I tried to figure a way to make it work. We ALL do this, usually, especially if there are children.
He was leaving for Sweden (we lived in northern Europe at the time) on a short business trip, and I was crying, who knows why (not b/c he was leaving, be certain; probably b/c my sorrow had become palpable).
I walked him to the door, and took in once more the vision of a handsome man in a striking rain coat, satchel and briefcase in hand – my husband – and I asked him if he knew the meaning of compromise.
I will never forget those icy blue eyes and his firm jaw as he replied:
Yes, I know. It means somebody loses.
A signal moment. Another slap of mortar on a brick which was adding to a wall of bricks which was building, ever so steadily, the wall of divorce.
Thank God I am free.
Finances be damned, I am free.
M,
“Yes, I know. It means somebody loses.” Epic. Compromise to me means love. It means the willingness to work together to create a new version of perfection.
I did try to make it work for the children. I am so grateful that I did not go down that road for long. It would have been a disaster for me. For us all.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
It was so worth it to stay up and read the entire blog!! Thank you for your kind and motivational words about my marriage. It really does make you look within yourself when tough times come.
Now, about the book you WILL write – I think Genius’ lack of support about something you are so passionate about is even more of a reason to do it!! Just be sure to let us know when it’s published because here’s one fan who will be out there on day 1 to buy it!!
You are awesome.
M,
YOU are awesome. Your comment couldn’t have come at a better time. We all need to be lifted up and today was one of those days. Your encouragement means the world to me. I will reread your words daily. The book I WILL write…for me…because I can…and because I have to.
Thank you. Love you. Owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Fan Number Two will be in line!
I am absolutely fascinated by your story. Although my life is very different [just out of college and nowhere near marriage (or divorce)], I find myself absolutely riveted reading your blog. I believe this speaks to your talents as a writer. Thank you for turning this hardship into a learning experience for all of us. Good luck.
KB,
Thank you for your kind words! Live this life fearlessly, K. And live it for yourself. Don’t go far, the story continues. But most important of all…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow – I do not even know where to begin. I am so wrapped up in your blog, your words, your biting wit, your humor, your self-exploration, everything. You are an amazing writer, and I am so grateful for having found your blog. It was kind of similar to what you described – one day after a horrible fight with my husband (things have been very shakey and I am taking things one day at a time, trying learn WHO I am, and not just ‘who I am ‘with him” because clearly, that sense of identity has been failing me all along….), I opened my inbox to find an email from a dear friend with a link to your blog which she’d recently discovered as well. She basically said ‘omg, you have to read this blog – it’s amazing!’ and I started. And I can honestly say I think I have learned more from you, and more about myself in the process of exploring what you write, than I have with any over-paid therapist. And it was basically handed to me on a silver platter in a way that was almost divinely timed – kind of like what you write about, how things/people show up in your life at the times when you need them most. Like guides. Or things that have deeper meaning than we may at first think. I do not know what the end result of my marriage will be. Of course I pray that we can heal things, but in the meantime, I read your posts and feel inches taller after reading them….like I CAN get through all of this and that no matter what happens in the end, I will be ok just the way I am. Your blog has been what has reassured me of that. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing. I’m hooked!
A,
I don’t know where to begin! Or what to say. That my words have helped you, affected you, made you stand inches taller…I am so grateful that your friend brought us together. I read your comment yesterday, got teary and gaspy, and it took until this morning for me to feel even slightly qualified to reply. Everything I type I erase. So let’s start with your words:
“I do not know what the end result of my marriage will be.” Not many do. My hope is that you can let go of the outcome, and know deeply that whatever happens to the marriage you will remain whole, you will be extraordinarily capable of moving through each day with grace. Try this over the next week: Re-frame your marriage as a situational role play. (Stick with me, here. I am so curious as to how this will play out.) Visualize your marriage as an exercise through which you are expected to learn big stuff. As if your Life Coach (soul) said, “A, I want you to go to this home and join this man in living life.” Then she gave you a list of things to accomplish. You are basically on a mission.
It likely means that you have to step aside from your emotions – not abandon them – and observe what is happening around you. Then play with your responses. Observe, observe, observe. Remain slightly detached in a healthy way. And then come tell me about it!
There aren’t many things about which I am dead certain, but this is one of them: People come into and out of our lives for very specific reasons. A great deal of fun can be had figuring out the purpose/intention of those who join us on our path. And so much will be learned from them if we are tuned in and willing to take the time to ponder.
While I do this with great respect, I am living life more like a game now. I’m not taking it so seriously. Even though I am baring every thought, feeling and emotion I have here on HGM, I am not being run by life anymore.
I just let this rely flow, A. I hope it resonates. I am so very grateful for your insanely kind words. I love that you love HGM so much. That means the world to me.
A, you will be better than okay just as you are, because you are perfection.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I have to say that I am taken by your story. I have been reading for hours and sad that there is. No more to read. You are amazing and brave fro sharing such a painful story. It also gave you the opportunity show the world what a talented writer you are. I have no doubt in my mind that you will soon write a book. I cannot wait I will be waiting eagerly. Your story is very touching and you deserve better and believe me you are better off without that scum bag. Your words show that in a short period of time you became a strong woman who will no longer let anything bring you down. Best wishes to you. Who would have thought that the man who once told you that you would not become a writer, would be the one who opened the door for you to one day accomplish what you always dreamed of.
Best wishes
Carolina R.
C,
“Who would have thought that the man who once told you that you would not become a writer, would be the one who opened the door for you to one day accomplish what you always dreamed of.” The Universe, that’s who. When I think about the enormous shift that has occurred in my life I shake my head in wonder. I can’t be angry at anything or anyone. Sure, I can get frustrated about an intense exchange with The Genius, but I’m no longer angry. I’m in awe of how the Universe works. I’ve never felt so alive. I’ve never felt so vulnerable. I’ve never felt so grateful.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write. I truly appreciate your support. Even though we haven’t met, don’t know each other (well, you know lots about me!) and likely our paths will not cross, I count you as a friend. That is the greatest gift His Giant Mistake has given me. A circle of people that is mind-blowingly large, all of whom I consider to be my friend and I theirs. I would not be where I am today without all of you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Beginning from the moment my bomb was dropped by my now wasband – with a eloquent “We’re broken, I want a divorce” in the kitchen after dinner – I used the words Divorce 101 to explain the difference stages one goes through during a one-sided breakdown of a marriage. I even tossed around the idea of writing a play with multiple acts. Act I: The Bomb. Act II: The Denial… one of these acts acknowledged relief from the person that once was but that play has been lost in time. I wish I could remember more of it, but as the fire of the anger waned so did my memory of the pain and anguish and the amazing thoughts/feelings I had. Kudos to you for writing in the moment. You’ll never forget the emotions you are feeling, but the moments leave you.
As I read your story I’m struck by how it parallels mine. Not in specifics, mind you, but in stages and processes both sides go through and the cliches! My anger the first night, his denial. The tackiness of my wasband leaving me for the Woman Who Cleaned His Teeth. (Seriously. I never thought of dental appointments as dates before.) Their huge anger at me calling her a home wrecker. But what I’m really identifying with is your realization that this is an opportunity for you to learn and grow instead of a reason to be bitter.
This isn’t about me, but I want to share some things with you to show you that life CAN be (mostly)drama-free down the road. I hope it’s kind of like when you’re pregnant and you finally hear a birth story that doesn’t contain tales of 68 hours of labor and forceps.
My bomb was dropped in the summer of 2007 and he swore there was no other. We finally, really separated in June 2008. I met my Mr. Jackpot that same month. I also learned my wasband had been cheating on me for years. My Mr. Jackpot was my rebound and I’m so thankful for him. (I was his rebound too.) Going through our situations together made the journey much easier and it kept me from unnecessarily lashing out at my soon-to-be-ex.
Skip ahead to now: wasband and the dental hygienist have been married for a couple of years after they both divorced. My Mr. Jackpot and I ended things on good terms after a couple of years and I’ve since met my soulmate, my Mr. Wonderful. I peacefully live literally around the corner – four houses away – from my wasband, who still lives in our old McMansion. We don’t fight. We co-parent well. We aren’t friends, but we are friendly. Because my kids father IS a good father (well, except for a good friend’s reminder of the cheating and breaking up a marriage part) my 9- and 10-yr old kids’ lives are the best they can be given the situation. We try hard to work well together for the kids and we’re successful at it.
You WILL be happier than you’ve been in years. You WILL have your “old” self back and she’s even better given the experiences. You WILL still long for the family unit but won’t be decimated by its demise. You CAN be better through this and you CAN do it well for your kids. I WILL be reading this faithfully.
Thank you for sharing your journey.
C,
Wasband. I freaking love that. And I feel hopeful that I can co-parent with The Genius. I work hard to put my children first and not get wrapped up in the emotional boxing match that two soon-to-be ex-spouses can entangle themselves in. It makes me ill to think that I am going to have to send my boys off one day to their Dad’s house and The Happy Dance Chick is going to be there. When I say ill, I mean it. But I’ll have to. And I can’t let my emotions run amok with that. I can’t overcompensate, be passive-aggressive, or sabotage in any way. It’s not my natural tendency to be like that, but some say divorce does funny things to you.
Your comment will be my guide as those events close in on me. Thank you so very much for taking the time to write. You have provided me with a good lesson plan for the future.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I heard about your blog a day or two ago and read the entire thing by yesterday afternoon. I love your writing style! Your soon-to-be-ex sounds similar to my ex-boyfriend who is a total narcissist. After we broke up, he would berate me on how I mistreated him in the relationship and how I wronged him to no end. Shortly afterwards he told me “I’m over you and ready to move on. I’ll have another relationship within a month.” WTF? I asked him if he had an idea of who his new girlfriend would be, which he denied he had anyone in mind. Sure enough within a few months he was dating a girl half his age who I *knew* he had a thing for AND she was already in a relationship at the time. She did some obvious “overlapping” there and as far as I’m concerned, those two idiots deserve each other. His attempts to try and keep up with a 22 year old has left him looking more like he’s 60 years old these days. Good riddance!
I LOVE your writing style. How dare your prick of an ex told you you shouldn’t be able to follow your creative dreams if he couldn’t follow his. Obviously he lived out his creative dreams to the fullest by designing his double life and pretending everyone was happy…doesn’t get more creative than that! I think you should turn your blog into a book as I’m sure it’ll be a NYT best seller. There are lots of women out there scorned by an ex, but your writing has such flair and humor interjected. I love how this blog isn’t some cheesy “I will overcome! Men suck! To the battlelines!” blog nor a “I *sob* can’t *sob* get *sob* out *sob* of *sob* bed *sob* some *sob* days *sob*” blog that would make us send you the suicide help line phone number.
BTW, did you ever hear back from Happy Dance Rental Chick’s husband after you sent him that message on Facebook?
Keep up the good work!
K,
“I love how this blog isn’t some cheesy “I will overcome! Men suck! To the battlelines!” blog nor a “I *sob* can’t *sob* get *sob* out *sob* of *sob* bed *sob* some *sob* days *sob*” blog that would make us send you the suicide help line phone number.”
By now you know me…could you imagine me writing those blogs? I’d be cursed by a thousand arachnids if I did. Jumpers. Black, beefy and unpredictable. Eek.
A statement like, “I’m over you.” should be called a shield statement. One that shields the person from realizing the opposite it true. But, more importantly, even should he get over you, he still has to get over himself. Maybe the 22 year old is flexible enough to give him a leg up.
I never did receive a reply from the Happy Dance Chick’s husband. I wasn’t surprised. What’s he gonna write? Thanks!? Hilarious. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your very kind words. When I become a NYT best-selling author you will need to hang out the Clairvoyant shingle.
Love yourself,
Cleo
What timing for you to come into my life! I love your honesty, sense of humour and your outlook on life and on our shared “marital experiences”.
I’m adding a quote of yours from a previous blog post…
“Why did I gravitate toward that mess? Because I needed someone who was going to cheat on me. In the broader picture, I needed someone who was going to bring me to a point in my journey where I would learn a really big, fat lesson.”
My sis in law pointed out that same view/opinion to me just the other day.
She said “Maybe that (the affair), THAT is (hubby’s name) gift to you…as f-ed up as that is.”
Maybe you’re both onto something with that.
<3
I look forward to more of your writings.
S,
Betrayal can be a gift or the missile that sinks the ship. The power is in how we meet the challenge. While I feel pain, and sometimes get sad or angry, or feel scared, I am so grateful to have the opportunity to see what I’m made of.
I’m going to grow through this in ways that I never imagined. When I’m 80, sitting on the porch of my writer’s cabin in western Sonoma county, I will look back on this time and be so grateful for the way I handled my heartbreak. I will feel richer for the experience. And I will be proud.
I challenge you to unwrap the present and run with it! Let me know where it takes you…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’ve just read your ‘beginning’ post… such bravery to share all the details. I’m going through a similar thing myself right now. I found out in December 2011 that my husband was having an affair (http://glasgowmummy.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/broken-part-ii.html) but I ended up hiring a private investigator to get the evidence I needed. Going to have a read through your other posts now…. Sarah
S,
Hello, Glasgow! Thank you for taking the time to comment and read HGM. I’m finding great strength in being brave. The more I’m willing to be brave the braver I feel! Funny how that works, no? You and your children are beautiful. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo, I’m catching up… On April 10 you wondered if your heart was still there. You wondered if you’d ever feel safe enough to love again. You punched me in the gut with those thoughts because I too think them. I am TERRIFIED that I’ll never love anyone else. Do I still love my husband? I know it doesn’t make sense to after what he’s put me through but like you, I said forever. Will I ever feel it again? Will I ever feel ‘IT’ again too. Because right now, his infidelity has shut me down. But it’s not right now that I’m concerned with. There is a loss of innocence and I wonder if I’ll ever trust or believe things I’ll be told in the future. Love doesn’t last. Do we move forward knowing that and being ok with that? I guess time will tell. Because it’s not time that heals, it’s what we do with that time that heals us. So my work continues. Thank you for being there to share this with.
P,
I’m right there with you. Thank you for taking the time to read HGM and to comment. I don’t have the answers to these questions…yet.
“Because it’s not time that heals, it’s what we do with that time that heals us.” This will be the key to our ability to trust and love again. I figure I’ll start with myself, right? I’m not going anywhere. I can learn to have this feeling for me and then maybe I’ll be able to fully let myself love someone else.
Wait…
Last night I went outside around 2AM and stared at the stars and planets. I was overcome with emotion because of all the love and support I get from those who come to HGM. I felt such love for each and everyone of you it was beyond potent. So, I am loving again, P. And it feels very good.
That said, we’ll be revisiting this most important topic often so stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi there, Cleo. I’m enjoying the blog greatly. Being a guy, I suppose I’m not in your target demographic. But as a single dad of two, I’ve fallen into the company of many divorced parents in recent years (especially women), and your experience is far from unique, sadly. It’s true that you can never go back to what once was, but as you and some of your commenters are finding, an experience like this does offer an amazing opportunity for growth. I’m forced to take stock of life–who I am and who I want to be, especially as a dad–in a way that oddly didn’t seem possible before. We let relationships become a big distraction from the personal work we should be doing, and we let them disguise our underlying discontent.
A commenter above said that it’s not just time that heals, but what we do with it. I’d disagree slightly; time does matter. Unless you’re a total f-up, you feel better a year hence, and better again two years later, and so on. So have faith people, it does get better. Really.
Thanks for writing. I’ll be sharing your blog with many of my divorced friends. We’re all in this together.
K,
I am so grateful you took the time to comment. It’s very late for me, yet again, but I had to craft a reply to your comment because your timing is sublime. I had a conversation tonight which I will write about tomorrow that focused on exactly what you so beautifully wrote here:
“…an experience like this does offer an amazing opportunity for growth. I’m forced to take stock of life–who I am and who I want to be, especially as a dad–in a way that oddly didn’t seem possible before. We let relationships become a big distraction from the personal work we should be doing, and we let them disguise our underlying discontent.”
Those words alone warrant days and days, maybe months (Oh, please don’t let it be years!), of deep reflection in order for me to heal and thrive. I believe what you are suggesting is absolutely essential for me to put into effect. I have to go through this exploratory process, and while it doesn’t scare me, it does intimidate me.
Your comment about my target audience made me laugh. It was initially my own heart. But now it’s the hearts of everyone who resonates with my words and your words. Hearts are neither male nor female, just beautiful. And this blog is about so much more than my words. The free sharing here is pure magic. Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
The exploratory process has intimidated me, too. Honestly, sometimes I just want to chill out with a good Zin and a bowl of popcorn and not think about it. Like my plate isn’t full already. But feeling stronger emotionally and physically, even a little, is so worth the effort. For reals. All the best in your journey.
K,
I usually make my popcorn at about 3PM. I best not start pouring a Zin then!
“For reals.” Dude. You are so up my alley. For some reason I am feeling the need to turn you on to “How Not To Live Your Life.” Seen it? BBC? A perfect show for a zin and some popped corn. OR whatever your guilty pleasure.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Actually, since you’re in Marin, I’m more likely right up your cul de sac. But I digress.
Have not seen How Not to Live Your Life. I see it’s on streaming, so I will investigate. I’ve lately been hooked on Californication, which is raunchy and funny and sometimes even poignant when it comes to relationships.
Hope your hike rocks (rocked). Awesome weather.
-k
PS: you probably already know coming from a Catholic family, but it happened like this:
God created popcorn, and we went “meh.”
Then he created butter, and we went “hmm.”
Then he created salt, and we went “aha!”
The wine, of course, is self-explanatory.
K,
“Actually, since you’re in Marin, I’m more likely right up your cul de sac.” Honestly, do I even have to comment?
Or should I just sit here doubled over in laughter? Yes. Yes, I should. And so I shall. Brilliant.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo:
I am also a ginger woman, in her 40′s, and was cheated on by my husband (my discovery was an e-mail sent to him by her). Although it has been years ago now, I can still connect to many of the emotions that you write about.
You are going to be okay. Remind yourself on the really bad days…because you may forget. You will never be the same, but you will be okay. You will be stronger, wiser and different.
I am sending lots of love and good karma your way.
Surround yourself with love and keep writing!
You are so brave, my ginger sister.
Yo Red!
Thank you for taking the time to share your beautiful words of support. I will never be the same. And that’s okay. I’m a little bit hard right now, but I’ll soften over time. I feel stronger, mostly. And I am wiser thanks to all of you.
Taking your love and good karma and lapping it up. So grateful to you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Okay, seriously, the consensus around here is you are the new lonelygirl15. I hope that’s not true but if it is, please stop. These people are baring their lives to you thinking you are doing the same. If you are being truthful, you are a very talented & candid writer and I hope you get a movie deal.
M,
Thank you for taking the time to voice your opinion and ask for an honest response. No, I’m not the new lg15. I suppose she was writing a tale that wasn’t fully accurate? Or a total fabrication? I’ll look it up. Remember hearing about her and think she might have been a student at Penn some years ago. Anyway, I wish I was making this up. I wish I didn’t have to look into the eyes of my children and know that the family I once thought would last forever is completely blown apart. I wish I didn’t have to trash the last four years of my marriage because it was a complete and total lie. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of lying in his arms at night while he was wishing he was with the Happy Dance Chick. I wish I didn’t have to HEAR them together. M, if you live in the bay area I’ll meet you. You can look me in the eyes and then you tell me if I’m making this crap up. Name the time and place.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Sad that we’re all so cynical these days. But that’s what happens, I guess, when there are charlatans and hucksters lurking around every corner on the Internet. We can’t trust anyone.
I confess that there was a moment when I thought, “This is too well-done. It can’t be real.” And I thought about one of those elaborate online deceits that I uncovered while writing for a major newspaper years ago.
But anyone who has been through this type of situation knows that this is real. You can’t make up this stuff; the pain and anguish and confusion is familiar to anyone who has been there.
Carry on, Cleo!
K,
Thanks for your thoughts. I felt the same thing. The internet is the land of make-believe to a large degree.
“This is too well-done. It can’t be real.” I’m going to take this as a huge compliment. Really internalize it. Wanna know why? I have a hard time believing that I do anything really well. Have to shed that, no?
K, yet again your timing is crazy. You’ll read about it here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Thank you for writing this blog. Yours is an important story to tell.
I wish you all the best in your journey.
MA,
Love good wishes and that you took the time to comment. I’m feeling lighter just from reading your words. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I really enjoy your writing, you are truly gifted indeed and have a fabulous style! Reading about your life is like a trip down memory lane! I’m 4 years ahead of you in this process and our similarities are quite something I must say. I wanted to write and assure you with 100% conviction that you will come out stronger, more peaceful and yes, happier in the end.
The rebirthing process is extremely rough and bumpy, especially when dealing with an extreme narcissist like you are and I am. Unfortunately these man-babies are simply incapable of change or looking inwardly at all and yes, as you point out their “growth” is severely stunted. The most challenging piece for me (still) is how to deal with someone who is unable to think about anyone but himself? Well, this is my most difficult bit especially when you see it affecting your children, which you will because he only knows how to put himself first. I was really hopeful for a long time that he would change and see reality for what it truly is, but change is simply not going to come and so I had to change my expectations. It’s really hard not to get upset when they make such self-centered (AKA penis-driven) choices but it’s who they are so instead of getting upset, try to accept it because it will be easier on you. In other words, it’s a total waste of energy to get upset over their choices, and I know a smarty-pants hot mamma like you doesn’t want to waste her precious energy on something stupid like that. Like me, you have no control over what he does and who he chooses to introduce your beautiful children too. For me, the last 4 years has been a revolving door of women that my children have met and it’s totally unhealthy for them, but there is nada I can do.
I too never wanted to get married, nor have children and here I am with a soon to be 12 year old and a 6 year old. But, I’ve found extraordinary balance in my life and feel blessed on a daily basis. We share the kids a week on and a week off and although I miss them when I’m not with them, it allows me a full week to concentrate on myself and my work and I have no one that needs taking care of, so I take care of myself. When I do have my kids I’m 100% present for them and they get my full undivided attention which they don’t get at the “wusband’s” house. I’ve become a better mother, have a rockin’ job and my house now smells like me and no longer like my wusband.
Pitfalls of dealing with a narcissist? Communication is frickin’ challenging as all hell, it’s like speaking completely different languages. They will consistently be a let down on so many levels, and letting people down is really their only consistent thing they are capable of. They have lost their moral barometer, or most likely it was never present to begin with because it’s all about them. You, like me, will always be the one with “issues” in their eyes, because they are unable to look at themselves in the mirror, it’s much easier to point the finger at the other.
Going through this will also enlighten you on what kind of love you really want, and what you don’t. Oddly, my sweetheart is literally the polar opposite of the wusband and I congratulate myself on “breaking the mold” so to speak. But, my love knows that I don’t want to get married, or live together until my children are out of the house. This way, my kids get their needs met when they are with me and they don’t have to share me at all with my sweetie. We have amazing adult time when my children are with their dad, and it’s a very simple sweet love we share. I trust him completely and know with certainty that my heart is being well cared for. So, I am proof that one can trust and love again even after the wusband screwed 12 women over the last 4 years of our marriage, 9 of which I knew, 1 was my best friend of 20 years. Oh well, he’s got a nice case of Herpes from it but we were having so little sex in the last while I didn’t thank god get it!!
You are and will continue to get through this with flying colors. Keep up the great writing Cleo, I believe it’s more valuable than any therapist could provide.
Blessings to you.
P,
“I know a smarty-pants hot mamma like you doesn’t want to waste her precious energy on something stupid like that.” Oh, yea. Sing it.
Wow, P…I want to grow up to live life like you are living it. Balance, adult time, full-on kid love, killer job, and a sweet companion who doesn’t demand…oh, it pains me to type the word…marriage. The idea that one need not change but change expectations is an interesting one for me to ponder on today’s hike.
I hope that you will continue to stop by HGM and share when it moves you. Thank yo so much for your kind words. I’m taking those blessings and running with ‘em!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow and wow. I read your blog everyday since it turned up as a link on my twitter feed last week. I adore women who manage somehow to set these amazing examples of vulnerability and strength in the midst of so much heartbreak. Please keep going, your work is amazing, uplifting, and could make for a beautiful piece of art someday (I’m always looking at blogs from the “how good of a screenplay would this make?” lens).
H,
Thank you so much for your kind words. It helps to reinforce for me that I am actually being vulnerable, yet strong at the same time. Two traits that are hard to keep in a healthy balance. I am so grateful to have this opportunity to be vulnerable amongst people with such beautiful souls, who are so easy to embrace someone who needs embracing.
I’ll keep going and you keep close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh where to start. I found your blog through a link and find myself going from one post to the next like a book I can’t put down. Your experiences and the way you deal with them, all you learn from them are an inspiration.
I often explain to those close to me that being a mom is easy, being a wife is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I suck at it. We used to have long conversations, usually they were arguments, that lasted hours. These days if I ask my husband a question he refuses to even talk and tells me “It’s just not worth it”. Not worth the marriage?
We don’t love each other. I feel like its a matter of time before I learn of someone else. He has expressed in great detail that there are “girls” out there that are ready and willing, he only has to say the word. Please, after 10 years of marriage he’s hardly a catch. And I don’t think they would be supermodels either.
Thank you for your words, and for being willing to put your experiences out there. You truly have a gift. You have come such a long way and the path ahead is so long. I look forward to reading more and finding ways to guide my own path towards healthier relationships.
V,
I’m so glad you found me and HGM. And that you took the time to comment. I apologize for the delay in replying. Your comment reminds me of something I wrote in an early post about how ironic it is that we focus so much of our attention on relationships here on the blue marble that one would think we’d be better at them by now. But we’re not. It often seems, as women, that all we want in life is a loving relationship yet we can’t figure out how to pull it off. Given that, I believe it is the reason why we are here. To be better people to each other. Which, of course, starts with being in love (in a healthy way) with ourselves.
“We don’t love each other. I feel like its a matter of time before I learn of someone else.” I’d like to ask you to preempt that discovery by stating that you want to go to counseling, or have scheduled productive conversations on your own to trouble shoot what is happening in your relationship. If you both want to work on the relationship then perhaps it can be improved and ultimately flourish. If one person does not want to work on it then it needs to come to an end. That’s my opinion. And I do think there is something very healthy about not waiting until it’s on life-support to go your separate ways. Had The Genius come to me 4 years ago and said that he wanted a divorce because he wasn’t happy and couldn’t see happiness in his future we would be in a vastly different place than where we are now. Sure, I’d be sad, but I wouldn’t be dealing with betrayal.
Address the white elephant in the room. It takes balls to do so. But it feels SO good to know that you are brave enough to be invested in your journey. YOUR journey. Own your journey, V. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
“Then, maybe one day, I’ll sit across the table from someone who has only love in their eyes for me. Because I will have only love for myself”
I copied that thought and saved it to read often….. it reminded me of something, that in the midst of a heartbreak (that almost broke me,) a wise woman I encountered said to me. After she listened to my tale of woe (Oh, but I loved him!) she said something I will NEVER forget…”love yourself more.” It was that simple.
You are a wonderful, engaging writer. I am moved and inspired by your journey!
P,
Thank you so much for being here and for your kind words. As we gather around HGM we create such positive energy and support. I am elevated by it daily. Hourly. It felt good to read that sentence again. I like that wise woman you encountered. Very much. And you? Only love, m’lady. Only love.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi again, Had a very rough night. I thought about what would happen if my husband got sick, really, really sick and how I will now be robbed of spending that precious time with him because it wouldn’t be what he wanted, but it would be what I wanted. So that sent me to a very sad place. Went to bed at 10:30, slept for 10 minutes then that was it until 1:30. From 10:40pm to 1:30am I sat crying asking out loud ‘why?’. ‘Why are you doing this?. I then decided to read your blog. At 1:34am something wonderful happened and Cleo I need, desperately want to thank both you and P. P said ” …a wise woman I encountered said to me. After she listened to my tale of woe (Oh, but I loved him!) she said something I will NEVER forget…”love yourself more.” I stopped crying and fell asleep. Long way of getting to a very big thank you.
P,
I’m so grateful you found the the morsel you needed to free you from that place. That the words from P resonated such that you could let go of that sadness after respecting it enough to sit with it. I had something similar happen yesterday. I felt myself, my energies going out of me to focus on someone else and I felt a little hollow inside when it happened. I’m noticing that I’m feeling LOTS these days on the physical plane. I brought my attention back to me and the hollowness dissipated. Seems so simple and easy I almost don’t want to fully believe I experienced it, but I did.
Another very helpful morsel is: Live fully present in the moment. You started your sleep by thinking about something that may never happen, which took you on a journey (perhaps one that absolutely needed to happen) that bounced you out of the present. Next time that happens notice what goes on inside your body. It’s amazing how the present seems to be free of 99% of the stresses and emotions we run in our heads and bodies.
I’m so proud of you, P. Very productive evening! I hope you hug yourself when you go to bed tonight.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow Cleo! I’m amazing by your beautiful spirit and wonderful writing style! Can I love you anymore?!!?!? (Please tell me you just read that in Chandler Bing’s voice!?!?)
I’m not in the same situation you are but I can relate as I come from divorced parents due to cheating. My parents divorced when I was 8 and I just found out last year it was due to my dad cheating on my mom (I’m 27 now). I was angry at my dad for most of last year but my mom encouraged me to continue my relationship with him as if I never knew.
They didn’t want to tell us kids about the cheating and rob us of our childhood. I am grateful that I didn’t have to worry about things like that when I was growing up.
You are a wonderful mother and I’m sure you already know this, but I encourage you and The “Genius” to keep this from your children as long as you possibly can.
You are amazing and I can’t wait to see the great things heading your way!
PS. As others have mentioned PLEASE write a book!!!!
H,
Thank you SO much for taking the time to comment and share your thoughts on what it’s like to be a child in a family dealing with infidelity. I did already know that it would be destructive to involve the children in the back-story of our divorce, but it helped reinforce that knowing when I read your words.
You can try to love me more! The more the better, m’lady and from me to you as well. You are delightful. Beautiful. And I imagine your parents of quite proud of you. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, and a mother. I started following your blogs to help the closest person to me in the world, my “other half”, my twin sister. See, she is going through the betrayal that you have with her husband. When she found out her husband was cheating, I felt the knife go through my heart too. Obviously, it’s not the pain she has but as close as you can get because she’s part of me. We have known her husband since we were 11 years old. They were married at 18 and have 2 amazing and beautiful children. She has been married to him for almost 19 years. She is not ready to leave him yet. She started writing journals for herself to get her feelings down at any given moment of the day. You are my inspiration for her. Thank you for your blogs and I look forward to reading every single one.
Sincerely,
Pam
P,
Thank goodness your sister has you! I’m very glad to hear that she is writing as well. Lots of couples can work through infidelity. Not me, but others do. May she feel centered enough to be able to hear herself clearly as she expresses her needs.
And, if she reads HGM, may she see that there is beauty in pain. Because there is. I’m seeing it right now.
Thank you for taking the time to share your kind words and story. I’m grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Love your blog, love your heart. I’m recovering from a broken engagement and it’s only thru the love of family, friends and faith that keeps me going. Keep writing and pursuing your dreams. You’re worth it.
E,
Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to comment here at HGM.
I just had dinner with a dear friend who is also dealing with a broken engagement. I told him, “I am so happy for you.” I thought he would fall off his chair. I feel compelled to say the same thing to you.
“…it’s only thru the love of family, friends and faith that keeps me going…” I am so happy you have the support of those close to you. Take the time to turn in, too. You need their love and you need to…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Well, there you go. A couple hours I typed “infidelity blog” into google and up came your website. I am completely floored after reading though all your entries. Three weeks ago I found out my husband of 13 years was cheating on me — still don’t have the “full” story, probably never will…not sure I want it (oh who am I kidding — yes, I do!) If it wasn’t for our son I would not even be considering trying to save our marriage…and frankly I’m not even sure I want to put the effort in to try. I am in turmoil, disbelief and shock. I am sad, scared and angry. I wanted to say thank you for your words. They gave me a glimpse into a future that can be filled with happiness and laughter and hope…which I don’t have much of right now. So thank you.
M,
Hold on tight – this can become quite the journey! It feels so funny for me to be saying this, like I’m some kind of aged sage, but you are still near the starting gate. Hills and valleys and crevasses lay before you. It’s going to be unnerving, upsetting, emotionally insane. But you have YOU. And your son. The two of YOU can make it through absolutely anything. The strength and support you will receive for living your truth will blow your mind.
From there, where will this all lead? Who knows. Get comfortable with that. Relish it. Live in the moment and fear not what is around the bend. Take the time to focus on you and to dig deep. Why did I create this scenario in my life? Get beyond the 3D nature of what has happened and look for the deeper meaning. Sounds all self-helpy, but it really works. There’s a lot going on here on the blue marble. The best ‘stuff’ is not the ‘stuff’ that’s most visible. It’s what we excavate that has the most meaning. The most benefit as we stay on our path. The one we intended to traverse the moment we were born.
Stay close. There’s a bunch of brilliant, beautiful, loving people here who are so generous with their wisdom. And make this your mantra:
Love yourself,
Cleo
Just stumbled upon this blog- at the moment so stunned at the similarities of Blog #1 and 2 to my own situation and response that I am stopped dead in my tracks here. The timing is even the same… 23 years for me as of D( discovery) date 11/26/11.
Today I am dong great, all things considered. The narcissist formerly in my life, not so great. I too learned ‘boundaries’ and took up self love because I really never lost it. I also just never KNEW. And I’m not stupid. Life unfolds in funny ways. Today’s journey is much more interesting. I will be re-reading everything here and will have more comments I am sure. It will be wonderful to get to know you here.
M,
“Today’s journey is much more interesting.” I feel exactly the same way. I was in a marriage that was not fulfilling. Which is pretty much what happens when your spouse checks out. To know that I am not being lied to anymore is like a rebirth. My journey now is mind-blowing, beautiful, challenging, emotional, magical and meaningful. My marriage to my husband had ZERO meaning the last four years. Anything that I thought I had or could rely upon was like vapor.
But now even a walk to the mailbox is filled with joy. I am SO grateful for your presence here. We’ll delight in our magical, if unexpected, journey together.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Vapor- I read your post that you like fog. My favorite place there has been the cabins at Steep Ravine. I am sure you know of them. A magical place. I almost lost that memory when my life as I formerly knew it fell apart. I choose now to forget the ugliness that almost took that memory away- a story that brings tears to my therapist’s eyes- and I know I will go there again, for me, because I love it so.
There are no accidents in life. Lessons to be learned. Timing is everything, even if not what one expected.
Yes, I think we will find delight in this journey, together. Blessings.
M,
Delicious words. Thank you. I do know the cabins at Steep Ravine. Beautiful. I’m hoping to wake up one morning and watch the sun rise over the Berkeley Hills from the cabins at the West Point Inn on Mt. Tam. Maybe if I’m really quiet they won’t realize I’ve completely moved in and have no intention of ever leaving. Me and Mt. Tam…perfect together. I love that sleeping beauty.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow, I just read the entire blog in one sitting and realized you were spot on that this (thankfully) is not a male-bashing, kick-him-to-the-curb exercise in venting. Somewhere in the world, people forgot that those youthful bright-line rules where the mantra “that no man will cheat on me”….changes when you have children together. It was fantastic to read about a strong woman who was able to balance both and choose to go. So much guilt comes with choosing to end a marriage b/c you have to own that decision no matter the reason for how it ended up in that place.
I feel like you lived my emotional experience but I am few years ahead (even though much further behind spiritually). My “wasband” (that is great) cheated with a neighbor–the mother of my son’s best friend and our weekend couple “friends” and I found out while on vacation in 2008. I’ve spent the last 4 years severing all of our “coupleness” financially, physically and emotionally—but the lasting link has really been the co-parenting and his constant claims that he has changed. I have been waiting for some sort of sign that our roommate situation will improve and I have lived in the land of relationship apathy for way too long. So this morning I woke up and realized the apathy was mine alone because it really is not about him, it is all about not loving me enough to finish the process I already started. How odd that immediately after, I found your blog…..
Thank you for that–I don’t know what I would of done if I’d found one more Jerry Springer-esque hater blog!
K,
Your adorable tuchus must be tired. I have no idea how many words I have written to date, but it’s likely half an average novel, if not more. That’s a lot to take in during one sitting. I need to make a medal for you!
If I understand your words, you are loving together but no longer a couple? That seems to work for some. I can see how, although it would never have worked for me. If it’s not working for you, be courageous. Make your move. This is your life. Sometimes we are given signs that it’s time to take on the next leg of our journey yet we don’t want to leave the leg we’re on.
Bashing, venting, raging…I just find that for me nothing positive is achieved. I am much happier when I seek the beauty, the humor, the lessons in a situation, challenging or not. The betrayal by The Genius was hands down the most challenging muck I’ve dealt with ever. I still shake my head when I think that I was lied to daily, hourly for four years by a man to whom I committed myself.
I don’t consider myself a fool. I’m not mad at myself or angry at him. I sincerely believe that I am on a journey that I designed. So I’m hell bent of finding out why.
It really isn’t about him, K. And it really is about loving yourself fully. I know you have it in you. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi — I’m here to join the sisterhood of Cleo. Left my husband 8 weeks ago and am just now getting re-oriented. Found your blog on a late night web search for answers to the big “now what?” Your approach to life is so inspirational, it has grounded me several times in specific ways since I read your entire blg in one sitting. Yes: I chose all of this — my husband, and what he brought into my life — for a reason, now I need to figure out why, so that I can move forward on my path. You reminded me, in such a beautiful, funny and heartfelt way, and your words and even the tone of your “voice” have started coming to me when I need the gentle reprimand — look forward with love and an open heart and trust the universe to show u what u need and how to get it. Thank you for showing up when I needed you to shine a light. And please blog again soon!
D,
I am so grateful you found HGM. When I read a comment like yours it brings me to center, reminds (no reprimand!, just a gentle reminder) me to open my heart even when I’m scared, to enjoy feeling vulnerable, to love even though my mind says, Didn’t that get you into trouble once?, and to live fully present in the moment.
We’ll figure out why together, D. It’s so early for you. There’s lots of amazing morsels of wisdom here to help you along, and lots of amazing kittens to hold your hand. I will, too.
Tonight I will write. And surely cry. Some days get all twisted up for no readily apparent reason. Today is one of them. I’m going to get to the bottom of it.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
what can i say, you are my hero!! lol, please, please, please keep writing. It’s good to read a blog from someone whose life is so similar to my own. I too am going through a divorce after infidelity. I found out about my husband affair with his 15 year older married as well with her own GROWN kids secretary after he got fired from his job for carrying on the affair. I have 2 beautiful, innocent children ages 6 & 8. He to is in “love” with her and currently lives with her. Wow, yes, this is my life, sounds like a jerry springer show. Anyway, just wanted to say, you are awesome!!! Keep writing. and i do love myself. Nadine
N,
I love your spirit! And am grateful you took the time to comment with such kind words. I promise to keep writing, and in an effort to keep that promise I have asked that the day be increased to 29 hours. I’m waiting on a response from the Universe for that little request, with optimism!
The old secretary affair. How pedestrian.
Stay close, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Looking for someone who learned about infidelity after an office holiday party. Will someone share their story?
Cleo,
2.5 months ago I overheard my husband on the phone with his girlfriend. 2 months ago I filed for divorce. 1.5 months ago I discovered his alter ego for the last 10 years (multiple women including one old friend , made up careers, hidden spending, etc). One month ago I moved out of my home with my child because he was unwilling to leave the home (though email proof was pulled from his sent mail dating back 8 years). One week ago I was able to move back into my house as he finally moved out. 5 days ago I stumbled upon your blog. Presently, I am in Cannon Beach, Oregon in a hotel overlooking the ocean “fully present” I booked the stay last minute, two days ago, after I was inspired by your Yachats posts. I want to thank you for your candor and your ability to express the feelings that I have not been able to describe to family and friends. My adventure (finding a new career, selling my home, and finalizing my divorce) has just begun….But one thing I know for sure….I too am thankful to finally start loving myself and live a life with intention. Looking forward to your next posts and your book
Love and Sincere Appreciation,
Jill
J,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for your kind words. I am SO happy my Yachats post sent you to the sea. I trust it helped to begin the process of creating your future. We are embarking on the same adventure – selling the house, manifesting a new career, finalizing a divorce. It’s such a gift to know that I’m not alone. We’ll do it together in style, and with the support and love of everyone at HGM.
I’m sorry it has taken this long to respond to your comment (Apologies to everyone else who has one in the queue!). I would have loved to have gotten this up while you were still on the coast so you could take this large hug out to the water’s edge and revel in it.
Discovering that the life we thought we were living was filled with lies is a brutal experience. But living in the truth, with intention (Yes!) is so breathtakingly fulfilling that it’s worth the initial pain.
I’m grateful you are here and hope that you stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi there,
I happened upon your blog, after many months of searching for a book or article that could put into words my feelings ( I have been unsuccessful until finding you!). I found out that my husband had been having an affair with the office receptionist when our son was 10 months (I was 30). The affair started 6 months after our son was born. It continued for another year after I found out. You must be thinking, “what’s wrong with this girl that she didn’t leave him?”, but I’m just not ready to give up. As much as I do want to make it work, I can’t figure out how to let myself be open again, and that’s creating a major roadblock. No one should have to go through this, but we could not have gone on the way we were. You are so right to say that it was a blessing for you…I feel ver much the same. Thank you for sharing your story.
L,
I am so grateful you found HGM. And I’m proud of you for being brave enough to remain committed to your vows. Many would walk. It’s not always the right way to proceed. But it certainly could be the easier way, given your set of circumstances. I imagine it’s been insanely challenging for you. You will find here a phenomenal group of people who say the most perfect things when needed most. Without them, I would be a mess. Not a hot mess. Just a mess.
You touch on the issue of vulnerability. Whenever someone can pinpoint their issue with words, as you have, I feel they are on the cusp of a breakthrough. How can you be open again? Vulnerability comes from confidence. Seems odd when our natural idea of vulnerability is ‘one who is easily harmed’ and confidence suggests the opposite. When you become confident in your ability to flourish either in or out of the marriage, you may find that you are more comfortable being vulnerable. To want to be vulnerable, you need to believe in the magic that can result from being fully open.
When you know that you can protect yourself, no matter what direction a relationship may take, you will be more willing to see where it goes. Maybe ‘protect yourself’ is not the right phrase. Perhaps, for you right now, it is. But down the path it may feel more like a potential risk worth taking. No matter the outcome, you will love yourself. That is most important. Top dog position. Love. You.
You’re amazing. Thank you for taking the time to comment, L.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hey Cleo,
I came across this blog so randomly. I’m still in my 20s, not divorced, not even married, and i can not relate personally to all of this. But i still stayed up all of last night reading and reading, you certainly have a way with words.
It boggles my mind that people, human beings who differ from animals only because we are able to understand, reason and have a concious, can willingly choose to hurt the people who they claim to love in such a way. How is that even possible? Do they even realize what they are doing or have done? What i would give to go inside their mind.
It’s so important to teach your children about honesty, integrity, and empathy. We may not realize it but in failing to do so, we not only ruin the lives of our children but also the lives of other future families and generations. When those children grow up, they don’t realize what they are doing who they are hurting because at the end, its all about themselves and what they think is right and what they want regardless of others. It’s such a pitiful state to live in.
I hope life brings you tons of happiness (you seem very content and happy already) and joy. You are well on your way to finding the light at the end of the tunnel and that’s because you know where you stand in life, that you are faithful to the people around you and are not only moving forward but also helping other people move forward too.
Keep loving yourself (and your 2 dudes)
K,
I am so grateful you took the time to comment. Thank you. Clearly, K, you have it going on. I imagine you will be having deep conversations with partners about honesty and integrity well in advance of committing your heart to them. I want to watch your journey unfold. Perhaps finding HGM wasn’t random at all. Pretty certain you’ll be showing me how it’s done.
I don’t have the answers to your questions. But I envision us asking them of each other over and over with eyes wide, shaking our heads in disbelief. I can’t imagine how disturbing it must feel to live a double life. It’s unfathomable to me. Mainly, because it’s SO unnecessary. As my Mom says, Life isn’t complicated until you yourself complicate it. Learning from the animals helps to keep me grounded and focused on my priorities. Truly. I wouldn’t be where I am today without their guidance and inspiration.
Common sense. My goodness, is it uncommon. But you, m’lady, have it.
Thank you for your kind words, K. And please stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I don’t even know where to start! I have just spent the last two hours reading and reading and reading your blog. I am writing this now because I have to get to my laundry at some point, but I also know I will be back to read some more. I, too, have started writing a blog and sharing my story in a more public forum. I decided it was a time to be open about my experiences over the last five plus years because I knew there were people out there going through similar experiences as me. Since becoming more open about my story, I have encountered some of those people who told me they would never have discussed their story with anyone, had I not been so open about mine. It was through those conversations I realized there are many people who may relate and I may connect with. So, here’s where the other shoe drops. My story is about being the “other woman” to a married man and engaging in an emotional affair. Our relationship lasted over five years and has been the most difficult experience of my life. I never dreamed I would be the woman who would be in a relationship like that. As a matter of fact, I was raised to judge women and people who ended up in relationships like that. Now, after spending two years in therapy, I understand what got me into that relationship and why I was willing to accept less than a full relationship. I am certainly not sharing for sympathy, I am sharing because through reading your blog today, you have provided me a view I have always wondered about. That of his wife. In my case, she doesn’t know about our emotional affair, or at least I don’t know that she knows, but I have wondered about her. I have wondered about their relationship and what went wrong in the relationship to facilitate my relationship with him. Although, to be honest, I haven’t spent as much time thinking about that recently because I feel like my responsibility is figuring out why I engaged in a relationship that is so opposite of my morals and character. I am still figuring all of that out. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Brooke
http://loveunintentional.com
B,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Emotional affairs, physical affairs, social media affairs…they are all cut from the same cloth. Probably an itchy man-made fiber. Affairs are energy suckers preventing us from focusing on that which is most important – our own self-worth, loving ourselves, creating our own magic, living within our boundaries constructed with our morals. I’m glad to know that you are taking the time to uncover the reason for your creation. While it may look like an ugly creation to some, it’s magic when you get to the box at the center and you have the key.
A is hopefully looking at why he created it as well. And his wife…I hope she is looking at her creation, too.
All this looking , conversing about affairs, talking bravely and openly about infidelity is SO FREAKING GREAT! It means we’re progressing. We’re looking at a destructive behavior that is rampant and trying to understand why we allow it, create it, participate in it.
Keep writing, keep shining light on dark things. Keep making magic. And stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am just starting the journey of post-infidelity separation and divorce. I can tell after spending 5 minutes here that your writings are going to be tremendously helpful! Thank you.
M,
I’m so grateful you found HGM. As you progress through the entries you will discover that my writings are just one part of the magic that goes on here. The kittens have me beat, paws down. They rock. Stay close and know that whatever support you need you will find it here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Is there an equivalent for a grown sophisticated educated intelligent woman that made a mistake?
K,
I’m sure there is, but remember – it’s not about her. Welcome, K. You’ve come around the bend in the path – isn’t the view spectacular?
Love yourself,
Cleo
I was referred to your blog by a reference to it on the Match profile of a woman I hope to meet. She said simply that it reflected a lot about her own life (?).
I have dated a fair number of women whose husbands have blatantly cheated on them . I just do not “get” how a guy can do that, but I guess its fairly common.
Anyway I think you’re a beautiful writer and I wish you the best.
Tom D.
T,
Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Infidelity is so very common that I can’t even feel special as a result. It’s fascinating how the stories are similar, the methods, the language used to justify the behavior. And it’s not just men. It’s women, too. I imagine that the woman you were kindly taking the time to learn more about has experienced betrayal. Given that she spends time here, my hope is that you will meet a woman who treasures the gift of life, who finds magic all around her, and one who appreciates the opportunity to be vulnerable.
I trust you dated those women after they were no longer married.
Thank you for your kind words, T. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Just rolled into your blog and have found words that soothe my soul… yes, another, like yourself, but with my own set of painful mistakes inflicted by the man I have been married to for 30+ years. wondering these days – do I blame him or just myself for the lifetime of hurt he has generated to my beautiful daughters and myself? Blame and hate are not very healthy meals to feast on but right now it is all I seem to be able to stomach. thank you Cleo, for being willing to pour yourself out on this blog. may we all become more than we ever could if we had continued in our nightmares.
~cagedbird
C,
I apologize for the delay in replying to your comment. I am catching up after selling, packing and moving. Whew! Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here.
My question would be, Do you have to place blame anywhere? If you buy into the idea that we create our reality for specific reasons – to learn, to experience, to challenge ourselves – then you’ve created what you need. I’m hopeful that you will stay close and continue to read the words here. In the rare moments that I take a look back, I am grateful for every single moment of the last several months, and even my whole marriage. As many have said before, I would not be who I am today without experiencing all those things – good and bad. And now I am truly happy, content, and thrilled to be alive! Thrilled to be exactly who I am at this very moment in time. You will join me there, I just know it.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, you are amazing and hysterical! I came across your website/blog last night. Our stories are very similar. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
A,
Thank you! Such kind words, resulting in a massive smile. I’m grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dignity. Nothing can destroy it. You have it in spades.
H,
Dignity. Courage. Integrity. A few simple words make all the difference as we leave a trail on this beautiful planet. Thank you for being here – all the way over there. I am grateful for your presence.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Infidelity may not have been the reason for my divorce but I too promised it would be the best thing that ever happened to me. I have also been brave and that bravery has already shown huge reward. It is refreshing to see someone else understand that all things happen for a reason. Although the experience or lesson of divorce may be hard the reason is for our growth and betterment. I am no victim and don’t shed tears for what might have been. What is happening is what is supposed to be happening and as I wade through the muck I see a glimpse of what my life can and is supposed to be. I never wanted divorce but clearly the universe wanted better for me. I trust what is happening is for my betterment even if I don’t exactly like the way this life lesson has been presented.
Thanks for sharing a proactive, positive approach to a shitty situation. Forward motion to you and yours as you enter the second, better half of your life.
H,
I can’t add to perfection. Beautifully written. I’m refocused by your words. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here. You deserve your diva-ness.
Stay close and please share again. And again. Such wisdom.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi – I just stumbled across your blog. I am dealing with the fall out of my husbands affair. We are not divorcing as we are trying to reconcile and recover from it. It’s not easy. But neither is divorce. Thanks for your sharing your story.
I used to live in Marin a few years ago. I regretted moving away… one day I hope to return.
F,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Neither route is easy. Because at the root of ‘staying’ or ‘going’ is betrayal. If only those who commit adultery would commit to having a conversation with their spouse first. Can you imagine how evolved our relationships would become if we chose to communicate first and act after?
Marin will be here when you venture home. Likely prettier than ever, because that seems to be her method. As she improves with age, so do we. Rock on, F. I’m in awe of your courage.
Love yourself,
Cleo