I’ll read anything. And I promise to reply. Especially if you make me laugh.
cleo (at) hisgiantmistake (dot) com
His Giant Mistake
A Real Time Account of How My Husband's Infidelity Is Changing My Life
I’ll read anything. And I promise to reply. Especially if you make me laugh.
cleo (at) hisgiantmistake (dot) com
I was introduced to your blog by a mutual friend. First, let me just say, you’re writing is phenomenal. I am completely hooked! Not just because of your writing style, but also because I am going through this exact same thing…almost verbatim. I read your posts and remember when I had the same encounters with my soon-to-be (not soon enough!) ex. When you wrote about how he started blaming you for his behavior…yep, been there. His physical inability to tell the truth? His lack of a heart and soul? His narcissism, his sociopathic inability to take any responsibility for his actions? Well, it is not out of the realm of possibility that you and I could be sister-wives.
In three weeks from tomorrow I am moving out with our 6 year old son. The following week, he’ll be served with divorce papers. I cannot WAIT!
I wish you all the best on the rest of your journey…it sounds like you are definitely in a good place and will look back on this as the best thing that ever happened to you. Just imagine if you had never found out and stayed with The Genius for the rest of your life…shudder! One day you will be able to thank him for freeing you from his miserable side and you can have the happy life you always deserved. Once you dump the loser, you will soar!
MFG,
Thank you, love you, and clearly get you. I cheer you on as you take the reins of life and ride off to prettier hills with better vistas. For us both, who knows what’s in them there hills. I do know that I am excited for what life brings me each day because I am going to make magic with it. Sheer magic.
The Genius is dumped on The Happy Dance chick. And it is because I soar that I can see how this all fits into a perfect life plan. With the most beautiful part being my commitment to live a true and purposeful life. I don’t have time, room or patience for anyone that wants to disrespect this gift by creating ugliness through actions. Blech.
I see beauty. And I bet you do, too.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words of appreciation and guidance. And love that child. And…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, your writing is something else, the word inspirational doesn’t do it justice. i have spent a small fortune on therapy with some person trying to guide me from this mire of survival back to a life of living. Then I found this blog. A simple search trying to find anything that would help me understand the nature of what makes a person behave with such cruelty – led me to this amazing site. To hell with my therapist, I now have you. Your journey is one most of us on this site have either travelled or are travelling. I have found more strength and courage from reading your words than any counsellor has been able to offer. Your fortitude and grace are mind blowing and you have in a short space of four months allowed me to understand what it means to listen to your soul and understand that your sense of self worth defines you, no man does. Thank you seems so small a thing to say for the value you have brought to me and my life as a whole. I don’t believe any of us deserves what we have been put through but I do believe that as people we are going to do better. As a physicist I know a little about energy. It works in relationships as for any other aspect of life. Like attracts like and I know for a fact that we are about to live amazing, beautiful lives and the people who hurt us…well we’re their loss. You’re doing brilliantly and we’re all here with you.
Helen,
You are my first physicist. And the first reader who’s comment had me grab the phone and call my mom. “You will not believe what this super-smart person wrote on my blog!” I said. She oooh’d and ahhh’d when I told her your occupation. And then we both sat in silence thinking the same thing: I have NO idea what a physicist does.
I am (this never happens) without words for you, Helen. Your comments have profoundly affected me. I am crying as I type this. Tears of complete and utter joy. On one hand because I love it when I can save somebody some coin that they can then spend on more useful things, like a trip to Buenos Aires to take Tango lessons with some hot Latin dude. But the real reason why I’m crying is because this is EXACTLY why I started writing this blog.
I am so thrilled you found HGM. I promise to take you every step of the way and to never stop writing.
Keep doing what you’re doing (I’d be more specific if I actually had a handle on what you do), but mostly…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Good morning from a beautiful sunny and mild winters day in London. I have to point this out simply because it is so rare and also because today is/was my 5th wedding anniversary…and I do believe I have my first sign
)) Cleo, feel free to email me directly for a handle on the physics, it would bore your other readers to tears!!! That my message has helped you realise that you touch hearts, inspire and ultimately change lives is my own win for today…it’s going to be a great day! Another major milestone is I am now on Twitter because of you. You don’t know me but I assure you this is a monumental shift in my life…I even went on Facebook to announce my official status of hypocrite to friends and family.
You see, to me social media is the tool of the devil, aside from physics I am a techie geek ( it get’s more sad, but that’s another story). This media can be dangerous and I have always been horribly (arrogantly some might say) opinionated about using it i.e DON’T. So you see, you make a huge impact.
We love you, we empathise and above all we know that this ultimately will make us all better people with better lives. That we have you to guide, entertain and mentor us…well it’s another sign, all will be well and have some fun along the way towards this new life.
Looking forward to the next update.
Helen x
Helen,
I trust you celebrated yourself on the anniversary of the day you married. And to have blue skies in February? Well, that is what happened to me on my first trip to London. Blue skies for a week. Magic, everywhere. The joy in your words is heard by me. And here’s the beauty in living an open and compassionate life – your joy brings me joy. And my joy brings you joy. All that joy makes us feel beautiful. We ooze beauty, love, delight, passion…life is pretty off-the-hook amazing when you’re walking around like that.
Yesterday, as The Genius pulled a move you won’t believe, I thought about how I’m moving through this experience. I have a choice. I can whither, be angry, and close myself off from the world, or I can be completely free and open to what I’m experiencing without labeling it as bad, but rather simply, change.
I fear nothing. Bring it. I respect the opportunity to be alive on this planet at this time too much to spend a minute not fully engaged.
Engaged. It doesn’t mean the same thing to me anymore. It means ‘fully living life’.
Love yourself, Helen…my little physicist…
Cleo
I had an awesome day C. I topped it off by writing the soon to be ex (Man Child) a letter which I then sent old school snail mail style…so he has to sign for it. In short, I have purchased a house…a big beautiful fabulous house. The letter basically let’s him know that…The deposit was kindly lent to me by your second ex-wife, this means you cannot touch this asset as no matrimonial funds were used. So…bye bye you sad pitiful example of a man. Your girlfriend can have you.
He will no doubt be a tad put out that his soon to be 3rd ex wife now owns a lovely home that his two children prefer to spend time at, rather than with their toxic father and his little 25 year old Russian girlfriend. Believe me Cleo, I can believe anything your Genius does…been there, done that!
In all I appear to be moving onward and upward at an exponential rate while I hear that he is struggling financially, something he never did when my income played a part in our llives (it might have soemthing to do with supporting a 25 year old i.e. 3rd child). The reaping of one’s dysfunctional seeds is starting to show.
It’s my first home and I cannot think of a better way to nullify the bad energy of my wedding day than by committing to an expensive adult investment. I feel so grown up I’m scaring myself.
I love myself massively right now, it’s a big high and I feel so free it’s wonderful.
No doubt your next instalment will update us on what Genius pulled in the way of superior stupidity or crass insensitivity…rest assured though…the Universe is telling you there’s someone out there for you who is not a celebration of mediocrity and failure.
You are doing so much better than I was at this stage of ‘the game’. I am still in awe of your grace, keep going Cleo. It get’s easier and you always have us as a sounding board.
If you ever want guidance on quantum physics and spirituality, give me a shout and I’ll provide you with some invaluable resources and tools that can help you through your process.
Love & light
Helen
Helen, your financing of your new home was brilliant. The ex-wives getting together to (let’s just say) help each other out while at the same time screwing him. I hope he enjoys every moment with his new bride, who hasn’t had a chance to get her Ph.D yet, I assume.
C,
And that’s why she’s a physicist. I assume. Still don’t really know what one does. Just know that they have to be smart to be one. I get a kick out of the fact that you all enjoy each other here on HGM. That makes me SO HAPPY.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Helen,
“I love myself massively right now, it’s a big high and I feel so free it’s wonderful.” LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it. That is the best use of the word “massively” ever. Massively is now my new favorite word.
Your comments are worthy of a blog entry. If the above doesn’t show how important – and rewarding! – it is to live YOUR life, not get swallowed up by someone else, I don’t know what will.
You’ll have to wait a little while longer before the first entry into the official “The Genius’ Top Ten Moves” list is on the table. So worth the wait.
I am thrilled for you.
Massively love yourself,
Cleo
Letting go of Anger
Hello Cleo,
I read recently that most anger comes from feeling invalidated by other people, and that this happens mostly when we are looking to others for validation or a sense of well being. The author ( I would love to mention her but I am never sure of copyright, plugging etc) goes on to say that our well-being comes from the wellspring of love that was born within us before stars knew light, despite our lack of familiarity with this part of ourselves …your Eternal self is perfect in every way.
The best thing I learnt from her about anger was this pearl of wisdom …determine how the dismissive behaviour of others also reflects their own weaknesses and how much they are living in their ego’s. Consider that your need for their approval or understanding means you’re giving more weight to their opinions than you are to your own truth!
Take back your power from The Genius. This twit is nothing if not spectacularly self absorbed and living proof that some things can exist in a vacuum and much like the cockroach that survives a nuclear holocaust…certain people like certain insects (some striking similarities) thrive in inhumane conditions – for a reason. They are built that way, you are not.
That you get angry is a good thing, it shows you are nothing like him and have a value system based on honor, trust and integrity. Be angry, acknowledge it…then give yourself a break and let it go. Being angry is not the problem, holding on to it is. You’re stronger than that…we all are.
Your little physicist
I have my own little physicist! That rocks. In your honor I watched the first episode of The Universe to see what all that Big Bang nonsense was about. I think they might have explained it. I think I might have not gotten it.
But I get what you are saying. And I am learning that identifying an emotion is only step one. They can morph and shift, baffle and distort. And observing it as it drifts off into another solar system (I’m throwing out all my big, technical, physicistic-ish words today!) without flipping the bird is healing.
Then I think about something equally as healing: beating the narcissistic stuffing out of him.
I kid. I kid. I really just want to blow out his candle and light my own.
MLP, when I am in London I am so having pints and Indian food with you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
When you are in London my home is yours…anytime!
The crests and troughs of the emotional spectrum are fun aren’t they.
My ex and his pathetic man child behaviour frequently screws with my Chi and the urge to smack him is overwhelming but all I think of in those moments is how beneath me that would be.
Fortiter et fideleter…it’s the tattoo I had done two weeks into the affair discovery, a moment of inebriated inspiration resulting in a taxi ride to a late night tattoo shop. It means bravely and faithfully – A promise to myself on how I would walk this journey.
On your way to Nepal, when you stop over in London, we will celebrate our freedom together.
MLP x
About four years ago I discovered that instead of being lied to as a wife, I was lied to as the other woman. He had two children and a house outside of the city, as well as the apartment he rented in the city. The details of how I didn’t know (though I always had dreams) or how he pulled it all off aren’t important anymore.
I found out while using his laptop. I saved a document (a love letter for him, no less), couldn’t find it and searched “Hello, Love”. An email popped up. I read it, thinking he was talking to me, but it didn’t make sense. I read it again and again, and then a second one, him issuing a goodnight to his kids.
The contents of my intestines liquified. I had to toss the laptop and run to the toilet. I was ill, and as a fitting tribute to his legacy, it wasn’t even as nice as vomit. Amazing how the body can register and express such a hot mess of emotional shock.
Your obvious talent and wisdom exalts you, but I appreciate most of all your honesty. I have a feeling you’re about to have a much larger audience. Be brave, and don’t change a bit for us. Good luck.
Lulu,
Oh, your words! Your experience! The omission of the word ‘wife’…I love that it didn’t go unnoticed by you. And that you had dreams about it. So did I. I knew, on some level, what was going on. But I soldiered on, working behind the scenes to do what I could to make him happy. Boundaries. That will come up a lot over these next several weeks as I come to terms with and hopefully learn from the way I gave myself away to make another happy. It never works.
With this blog, and with my life as a whole, I believe that honesty is the best policy. I am SO VERY grateful that you took the time to read my words and comment. Together we will find total joy. And if I ever feel like I want to bury something I shoudl be writing about I will remember this: Be brave, and don’t change a bit for us.
Love yourself, Lulu.
Cleo
Pardon me. Wow, what an interesting deletion on my part. Perhaps an old trick of the damaged sub-conscious?
“He had two children and a house outside of the city” should read, “He had a WIFE, two children and a house outside of the city.”
Dear Cleo,
I found your blog and have read every entry in one sitting. I admire your forthrightness and courage in how you are dealing with such an awful situation. You are so brave to write about what you are feeling and experiencing without sugar coating it. At the same time the best part is reading how even though this is a devastating situation for you and your family, how you are not only not letting it destroy you but are letting it also give you wings (literally and figuratively).
I send you a lot of hugs and good wishes. Keep writing! I will be reading.
Dana
Dana,
Such beautiful words. Thank you, love you, and so appreciate that you took the time to read HGM. I took every hug you sent, enjoyed them one by one, and saved a few for a time when I really need it.
When I decided to write my way through this I made a commitment to myself to be truly honest, real and force myself – no matter how painful – to live what I am going through. Really experience it. Because otherwise I would just waste a total gift. I am peeling back layers I never knew I had and continue to be so grateful for the ability to do it without letting those layers suffocate me. But I wouldn’t be nearly as willing and able without you. And your support. So I want to give it right back.
Forever honest, and forever writing. Stay with me…and
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
It’s funny, a couple of weeks ago I blogged about something similar, about how blessings are not given, they are found. If you are interested it is here http://danalesramblings.blogspot.com/2012/02/finding-not-bestowing.html
Wanting to find those blessings is the key. Many things happen in life that are beyond our control but what is in our control is how we deal with them. To me, it makes all the difference between actually living your life or being a bystander. I am always inspired by those who choose to be in the driver’s seat.
I’ve shared your blog on my Facebook and Twitter as I really think it is truly an inspiration about how when life hands you shit, you don’t have to curl up in a ball, but you can instead make lemonade as the saying goes.
xx
Dana
I was sent the link to your blog only a few hours ago by a friend. I am amazed at your courage, your confidence and your positive outlook on this life altering journey. My husband of 23 years had an emotional affair, unlike you, I allowed the anger and depression take over my life for to long. April marks 2 years since the discovery. We have been separated for 8 mos. I am finally putting the pieces of my life back together and the once very happy and positive person is returning. Although still very angry at times. Thank you for sharing this very personal experience with anyone who can read it.
Caroline,
Welcome back! To the positive you. But really, it’s the you you’ve always been. I am so very grateful that your friend sent you HGM. It’s a perfect time for us to join forces.
Anger. That’s a hard one to let go of. But so very necessary. I’m a big believer that anger causes disease. Call me new-agey, but emotional burdens really challenge the physical body. I’m putting anger on my list, right behind boundaries, for future post topics. I was very angry at The Genius and his bat-crazy family. Then I saw how that anger was up-ending me and I just couldn’t stand for it. I became angry at being angry. That’s when I hit the treadmill for two hours and sweat it all out. Get my endorphins under a disco ball and let her rip. And then I sit with it. Look at it. Give that part of me, that genuine emotion, a voice. Because it has something to say.
I promise to delve deeper. Soon. Caroline, thank you for taking the time to read my words and to share your experience with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.
~ Lucille Ball
Hi Cleo, You have such a great salutation. I write my own blog each morning and much like you I find it most therapeutic. I came across this quote above and used it a while back. A sense of humour can benefit your heart and soul just like loving yourself. Loving yourself is a key to moving forward today, tomorrow and the next day. Onward ho! W
W,
Lucille Ball…I adore her. She was fearless. And she makes me smile. Thank you for sharing her quote.
“Onward, ho!” Who you calling a…You know I couldn’t resist that one! Cheshire grin…
Thank you for making me smile large.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo:
First heard you on Cocktails with Patrick and immediately went to HGM. Reading your experience has been a tremendous help for me in terms of feeling empowered. I’m not sure if I’m happy or not….isn’t that sad? Married almost 20 years I’ve recently woken up to the fact neither of us is really feeling fulfilled for multiple reasons. I just want you to know that your words are powerful and I refer back to them often when my head spins with uncertainty. The one question that I can’t escape is do all men cheat? I mean look, I’ve been hit on, have been attracted to other men but would never act on it. I mean, I just wouldn’t. I’m married, end of story. WTF is it with men? Why do they fuck up something so good? That’s the blog I’m considering and it would be called, “Grow the Fuck Up Already”. Keep writing girl!
L.,
Thank you for taking the time to read HGM and comment. Can you imagine the conversations we’d have if we were all gathered in one room? I could talk for hours on the subject of why men cheat. And why women cheat. And why single people cheat with those that are married.
My biggest regret is that I didn’t sit The Genius down and say, “Neither of us is fulfilled. Let’s do something about it so we can be proud of how we handled our relationship and we can set a good example for our children on how to nurture a relationship. How not to give up. How not to take the easy, morally corrupt way out.” If we had done that we may still be together today. Although I have some doubts. Most affairs spring up for a night, or a week or a few months and then whither. It’s rare that an affair continues for years. Then it’s a double life. That suggests a deeper, more complex problem than boredom in one’s marriage. Me thinks The Genius is simply not the marrying kind. I wonder when The Happy Dance Chick will figure that one out?
May I suggest you and your spouse have a sit down where you bare it all? What have you got to lose? If you chose to, be compassionate and open-hearted. The outcome may not be what you envision, but if you come form a place of love you will get your heart’s desire.
GFUA: I’ll be blogging about growth this week. Momma, don’t let your babies grow up to be babies. Or worse, adolescents.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hello again!
First, I look forward to your daily blog and responses which truly hits home. I’m the nurse who is plannIng to trek out West with my two German Shepherds. A bit scary at 56. Anyway, this is in response to “a sit down” with my spouse.
I begged him to please sit down and perhaps go to my therapist with me regarding the fact our sex life was non-existent( it was always great). His response was depression due to his unemployment at the time. I felt ugly, unattractive, un-loved, etc. In retrospect, at this time he was sleeping with his married, wealthy mistress who rented an apt for their trysts!
To this day, he is still unemployed, un-remorseful and a useless, fat, couch potato that is a waste of space.
Soon, very soon the so called man will be left with nothing but a truck that I paid off(while he was making out with his slut), no cell phone, no health or car insurance, no utilities, just a mortgage in his name I stopped paying. And yet he still wants to work things out! Really, work what out? I have been done since the day I found out even his family knew of his affair and “she” went to family functions not me! Talk about a bat crazy family !!
Sorry to be so “pissy” this morning, but someday’s it’s just more sickening and waking up to seeing his fat ass still on the couch!!
Elizabeth
E,
I trust that you are finding a centered place to be at peace as you continue this journey. I can’t imagine still residing with The Genius. It was EXCRUCIATING when we were doing it. I mean the single hardest thing I have ever done. Goodness, do I feel free compared to how I felt then. I’m hopeful your trip west is imminent. In the interim, what a tremendous opportunity to practice remaining centered in the face of chaos!
Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hello Cleo! You are bang on – there are no coincidences or chance encounters. I call them God Winks. You were meant to hear that pocket call and you were meant to meet Mr. Jackpot. Love that you have a structure to write 3 times a week and bravo for telling the Genius about this blog.
Want a whole pack of laughs? See Mirror, Mirror…Julia Roberts and Nathan Lane. I haven’t laughed so hard in ages and it feels so good.
“Bread is meat, less is more, the commoners like a metaphor.”
Like you I also have a Mr. Jackpot who interestingly I cautiously reviewed for a month or two before inviting him into my life. Best thing I could have done post double-life/betrayal relationship of 8 years. Lessons learned: follow your intuition, listen to the niggles and love yourself more than anyone else in the whole world.
When things get you down it helps to remember this mantra “WTF”…and somehow it helps re-ground you. I look for humour everywhere.
I’d say you are doing mighty fine here. The spewing pumpkin photo is a good one…can’t wait to see what’s next for you. I imagine there’s not much dancing going on over in the rental car office.
Cleaning up the pumpkin guts and loving the feeling, W
W,
Pardon me while I continue to crack up thanks to your words. Pumpkin guts…that’s the name for my very next pet.
The Pocket Call was the very definition of divine intervention. I knew that I was being guided every step of the way, which is why I refuse to wallow in self-pity or anger. I am going to make the most of this deal. I aim to laugh, learn, and love my way through it.
My mother will love ‘God winks’.
When you say 8 years do you mean that the affair was going on for 8 years? Holy arachnid! What planet are these people from? Planet Idiot? Planet Dumbass? Planet Morally Bankrupt? WTF? Phew…I feel so grounded now.
While you love the feeling, I am feeling the love. Rock your world, and…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Good thing it’s friendly. When some people blog they go to prison. (See the “Free Speech” section of http://www.familylawcourts.com.
And then big media does an an interview and gets it all wrong, as in the Today Show did,
http://www.examiner.com/public-policy-in-san-diego/allison-morelli-s-latest-interview-what-was-the-today-show-thinking
in the case of Anthony Morelli, who, with his jealous new girlfriend, created the blog “My Psycho Ex Wife. The Today Show’s Matt Lauer missed what Morelli was really doing was practicing law without a license on another site called the Custody Coach – where he didn’t take his own advice. Later he lost most of his custody….and the judge wisely said he couldn’t see his boys as long as the toxic chic was with him.
B,
Hmmm…friendly? I would best describe our relationship as respectful given that we are parents and are committed to providing for our children the best possible shot at a healthy foundation from which they will grow to become loving, honest, productive and happy people. As I’m sure you can imagine, he’s not the first person I want to run to when I have something to share about me.
But I felt it was important that I tell him about the blog so that I can remain true to myself. I am not into hiding things. No shocker there. For whatever his reasons, I will not assume here, he has given his blessing. And while I do discuss The Genius, clearly this blog isn’t about him.
He backs me. Too bad he didn’t back me while he was still on my team.
Thank you for taking the time to write. I appreciate your input.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow – So much of your story resonates with me. The affair, the accusations and comments he made to me, how all of our problems were my fault, the fact that I caused some of the issues, the fact that I thought boundaries meant property lines.
The dysfunction stopped after he moved out and the subsequent divorce; the fog started to clear. I began to connect the dots. My husband married me for the wrong reasons. I realized way to late that he was immature, selfish and a narcissist. I didn’t have the skills to maintain a healthy marriage partly because I did not have a good role model. Basically, I did not live up to my ex’s unspoken expectations, which he used as permission to venture out on his own.
His parents, for the most, part understand the kind of person their son is. While it embarrasses them that their son behaved that way, they realize that he is a product of their upbringing. Using his family-speak including snippets and bits of of coded conversations over the years, we all figured out where most of the blame could be placed – his mother. (Their daughter is selfish and petulant, although I am doubtful she would ever be unfaithful to her saint husband. She knows she scored big in the husband category.)
I truly lost myself in my marriage. I am trying to find myself. I still feel discounted and ignored (a theme throughout my marriage), I still feel like things are my fault (hard to stop that cycle when it is drilled into you by the person who is supposed to protect and love you.) Like you, I told myself several years ago that I was never more alone than when I was married. Very sad.
My mother-in-law (or former now, I guess) told me a year or two after the separation that the best revenge is to live well. Sage advice from a woman who spawned one supremely selfish son. Of course she loves him, and I wouldn’t want her to punish him anymore than the punishment he knows he has deserved by the shame he has brought on the family.
Again, I feel as though you have told my story. Except for the children. I am so grateful we didn’t have any. They probably would have been too much like their father. Please make sure your sons understand that what their father did (and apparently those in his family did) was wrong. If there are problems in a marriage, they need to handle them in a healthier way. So much collateral damage happens when people are selfish.
Marriage is hard work and I hope that if either of us gets into a serious relationship, we are better prepared and we do the work once the commitment has been made. That goes for the other women out there, too.
Caroline
Formerly of the Bay Area, now in Wisconsin (don’t ask) (Ok, the now-ex wanted to move back here. And of course, I agreed…made 4 major moves with him following his career. I just haven’t made the decision if or where to move.)
C,
Thank you for sharing your words, for taking the time to comment. Over and over I say, I am not alone. I am not alone.
At least this time you will move for you! So where to? South America? Nepal? Sonoma? Oregon? The world is at your feet, and the Universe is waiting patiently for you to speak what you desire. I can’t wait to hear about where you land.
“I still feel discounted and ignored (a theme throughout my marriage), I still feel like things are my fault (hard to stop that cycle when it is drilled into you by the person who is supposed to protect and love you.)” Ah, triggers. Reminds me of the night of my birthday when the day didn’t play out exactly as I had hoped and I couldn’t roll with that. I learned so much about myself that night. I’ve got some bad habits to break. And some labels to shed. That’s all part of relearning to love yourself.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hey Cleo:
Breezed through your whole blog today after hearing about it on sfgate. What a talented writer you are! And a girlfriend I would so love to hang with (and enjoy spicy Zin with!) and will do so virtually. Your story is painful and inspiring but most importantly, you are admirable for your bravery and honesty!
Your blog resonated with me mostly for the need for self love (and the fact that I have read every book I can get my hands on about Mt. Everest and long to go there one day). Honestly, I am married to a man I do truly love who I have been with 6 years. He is my second husband (first “left” me and our son via suicide – a discussion for a therapist or other blog). Been going through a rough patch lately but if I am honest, think it’s more about insecurity and lack of self love on my part. Need to work on that.
Have experienced the devastation of infidelity though not directly (or maybe it was?). My mother decided after 28+ years and 4 children with my Dad, that her needs weren’t being fulfilled and sought to fulfill them with another man. Never mind that he was married with 3 young children. Devastation on so many levels (though they both repeatedly said to their respective spouses and children “this has nothing to do with you”). Fast forward 18 years and now he (who she married and is still married to) is living with another woman. So much for his pronouncements of forever and soulmates. Karma is a bitch.
Keep writing Cleo – looking forward to that book!
CT
C,
Oh, Everest. Cannot wait to get there. I want to be physically capable of climbing it one day. In spite of Mr. Jackpot sending me an overview of each trail and the fatality rate for said trail. Me thinks he does not want me to climb it. A girl’s gotta do…
Yes, your experience with infidelity was a direct one, even though it was stated that ‘it had nothing to do with you’. No, of course not. Because it’s me, me, me.
It’s sad, isn’t it? That we can’t be better at respecting each other? That we can’t stop ourselves from doing something that we KNOW will cause extraordinary pain? Yet, as I sit here in my kitchen, typing away, I am so very grateful to be exactly where I am, right here, right now. I have The Genius to thank for that.
It’s enough to make your head spin, no? Thank you for sharing, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
Almost 2 years ago, my husband , The Dentist, left me because he was in love with his 28 yr old assistant, Utmost Respect (She told me she had the utmost respect for me when I asked her to leave him alone, but couldn’t because he was her best friend). We had just purchased a house and I was 1 month into a new job in a new state with no family. We had been together 19 years. Three children. My emotions since his departure have run the gamut. He was served with papers on Valentine’s Day, and we were divorced 8 months later. I wore leather to my divorce, so I could feel like a badass. He gives me child support when he feels like it, and I have only gotten 2 months of alimony. I have endured countless humiliations and embarassment. I am finally to the point where I can recount these tales without feeling nauseous. I never thought I could get better or even love again.
Here I am, rising.
The Dentist and Utmost Respect are no more. He left the state and now, the country so he can “be restored”. (Feel free to insert sarcastic comment here.)
Thanks for being the eloquent voice of people everywhere who have awakened thinking “I can’t believe he did this to me”.
Alma
,
A,
Utmost Respect…I can’t get over it.
I have read your comments more than a few times and, quite frankly, wished I could have called you instead of replying here. Here’s my fantasy…you tell me where she lives and works. I find her. Engage her in a conversation. And then say, “I have the Utmost Respect for you. So, given that, I think I have to bang your mate. Are you cool with that?”
Then I would shake my head and walk away. Nothing would be gained on my end, so of course there is no need to do it. But it woul dbe fun to see if she made the connection.
I sense you are rising very nicely. Bravo.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Ms. Cleo,
I found your blog after my mother suggested it to me when she heard about my newly found assertiveness. I am 19 years old and in college so I have not been married but I have dealt with my share of guys (boys?) who have left me wondering if perhaps I should try to get rich to buy my own island. An island to live away from the perils and tribulations of love gone wrong.
I could not stop reading your blog. It is simply amazing. I too was a victim of a Genius who thought that I would not find out what he was doing behind my back. They are starting younger these days, let me tell you. But I did and I can’t help but thank the stars for that one. I have learned a lot from my past and reading your blog I could really feel my journey aligning with yours in certain aspects.
Though it hasn’t been easy, I have found that I am now assertive with what I want from a partner. I used to be too worried with that person’s feelings than to state how my own were being affected. Now, I am slowly but surely starting to come into my own and love me. After reading your blog yesterday I took myself out on a date to dinner to my favorite Thai place and at first I couldn’t help but notice that all eyes were on me. They were probably feeling sorry for me and wondering why I was sitting alone but you know what, I was reveling in the feeling of power I was experiencing. I was and am a powerful woman for being able to go out alone and sometimes the best date is with ourselves.
Thank you for inspiring me to do something I have not done in a while and being proud to do so. Even though I don’t know you, I just want to say that you are a phenomenal woman for doing this and being as strong as you are.
Stay beautiful and charismatic!
Best,
Angelica
A,
Had I witnessed your beautiful self enjoying a much deserved date with you, I would have felt compelled to pick up the tab. I applaud you. I know you will continue on this path, and having such a deep connection with your self at such a young age tells me that you are creating the journey your soul so desires.
I sense that having a well-developed Observer Self will be a priceless gift to you. I hope that you email me when you are 40 and tell me all about your journey. It will be worthy of a grand celebration.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kind words. And kiss your Mom for me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
BLOCKED….Three thirty on Valentine’s Day. I am sitting at Sak’s having my makeup heavily applied, just how he like it…I choose to ignore the call but I know…we always know…I answered when she called again at two thirty in the morning when she said in the sweetest voice is Amy there? No sorry wrong number, oh I am so sorry…No you were not sorry.
It came out of nowhere, like a bolt of lightning. We met for a moment in September and on New Year’s Eve I am sitting across the table from you.
Your telling me how you came by my work, watched me walk to lunch but lost the courage to follow me or call. How did I end up there in front of him? Plans were made for the next day and we spent everyday of the next six weeks together. I had to write down were we went and who we met because the days ran together. My family his family my friends. Love at 48 years old like I had never experienced before. The day you showed me the house my heart soared…Who lives in a house like this? On top of the hill, a brick mansion with white pillars and a sweeping staircase. Ours to live in like a fairytale. You moved me into the apartment next door, holding me close until the house was done.
It was a week before you came back…your birthday came and went and your Valentines gift laid on the bed were you left it…It was what you did, a bender as you called it and nothing more.. just something that happened. That night we went for dinner in the neighborhood. You were back on track it wouldn’t happen again…
I saw it in your eyes as I rounded the corner, a combination of fear and pain. It had happened before we had met again, over the hoildays. Yes it was his ex wife, the one who he had written a million dollar check. The one who after one year of married torture he paid to go away…She never went away. They had taken a break after the holidays after her mental breakdown. I had found him when she had lost him. She was everywhere and nowhere. She was the refuge he sought when he drank and she lived in the shadows of his world. It was their secret. Now she told him the only thing she knew to get him back, she was pregnant.
That’s all I have in me for one day…
E,
I simply had to approve this comment and not think of a reply. I read your words and they make me scared that I will make the same type of mistake. I’m fearful that I won’t love again because I don’t trust myself to make the right decisions.
Really fearful.
Thank you for sharing your story. I needed to hear it.
Love yourself,
Cleo
E,
Thank you for pouring out those words on HGM. I am moved by them. I am also so sorry it has taken me this long to respond. You have a rich experience to swim around in, to grow from, to observe. So many highs and lows, like whiplash. Do you mean Valentine’s Day 2012? I trust you are being kind and loving to yourself during this time.
Center. Breath. He came barreling into your world for a very specific reason. What is it?
Love yourself,
Cleo
I told the universe I was busy I didn’t need a man to be fulfilled blah blah blah I had everything I ever needed
What did he say to the universe?
Why did the universe listen to me?
Your done making the wrong decisions last time you did was after 10 weeks sixteen years ago And who’s to say it was wrong because your here now..
You will love yourself and so many more
E
E,
Mr. Jackpot says, “Every decision I have ever made has led me to right here, right now.” My decision to marry The Genius was the right one. I am so much richer for the experience. I am so grateful to be right where I am, no matter how scary this place can seem.
Thank you for sharing these words with me, with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh how I wish it was 2012 V-day…It only rears it’s ugly head when I hear stories like yours, which is part of healing.
I thought I could reason with him of course he knew it was a lie. How could he continue down this path? I was the hard working sane solid one! I was the one everyone embraced in a friendly hug Anyone off the street would pick me, why not you? I changed jobs for career advancement. All the while living in the apartment watching them work on the house, my dream house.
I had called him scared on a Friday. They had come into the store and something was wrong…I was shaken and he could tell. He offered kind words and assurance he was always there for me…
A week later they where back but this time it did not end well. When someone finally tracked him down I was just leaving the hospital and could not find the courage to speak to him. He took me home and held me Is this how the universe works? Four thirty in the morning he left without a word I was alone in the apartment with no phone and my battered body.
Sometimes it takes a mighty force to make you present in the universe.
E,
Thank you for sharing these words. Perhaps courage couldn’t be found because no words spoken to him would serve you.
A mighty force, a wake-up Pocket Call…there are many ways the Universe snaps up the hell out of it. I aim to never fall asleep at the wheel again. I just hope I don’t become afraid to drive.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo – I found your blog via SF Gate and just finished reading it from start to finish. WOW is all I can say. Even though I have never been married nor have any children (I’m in my late 40′s), your story brought me to tears on several occasions which is why I want to thank you. You are on the path of more happiness than ever before – just wait!
I have been in a committed relationship for over 5 years now and your story brought several points to light: 1) Never keep quite and voice your feelings and thoughts before it’s too late; 2) Always be equal in the wants and needs department; and most importantly, 3) Don’t put him up on a pedestal.
I love my honey with all my heart but tend to get frustrated on a few things that mean nothing in the big scheme of things. Your story is so powerful that I look at living my life with him as a blessing and don’t take it for granted (not that I ever did but I hope you know what I mean). We went to dinner the other night after ready your blog through February and I kept looking at him like I was seeing him again for the first time. Amazing.
Thank you again for opening your heart and blessing all that read your blog. Not only are you connecting with married, separated, and/or divorced people, you have touch a gal that is in a relationship.
E,
Thank you so much for your kind words and for ‘allowing’ HGM to affect you in such a profound way. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to write through this seismic shift in my life. The icing, and it’s the most delicious icing ever, is knowing that I’m helping others. And to think that my pain can bring happy couples closer together? Well, that simply rocks.
“We went to dinner the other night after ready your blog through February and I kept looking at him like I was seeing him again for the first time. Amazing.” Big, happy smile…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
You are AMAZING! What a powerful gift you are giving to women. Sharing so candidly and honestly about your world being rocked to its core! But my absolute FAVORITE part is how you took this pain and anguish and turned it into POWER. You used betrayal and lies as your fuel for living a life more fully and completely…you turned his bulls*** into the purest fertilizer to grow a garden blooming with possibility! I was just introduced to your blog and started from the beginning. I am in my 14th year of marriage with an HONEST man but sadly I have heard your story before…straight from the mouths (yes mouths- plural) of women I love. This is SO important, YOU are so important! Telling this TRUTH so that other women can anchor themselves and see through the lies. But you speak to my soul too, gracious goddess of words! You opened your heart to the possibilities and you met SHERPAS in MARIN!!!!!!! Keep moving forward, keep flowing with the rhythm of life, and above all KEEP TELLING US about it. We are listening, we are following. I want to model that open receptivity of life and signs that you felt on your anniversary and I want those women (yes PLURAL) to really know that they are NOT alone.
C,
I am cracking up right now! “…you met SHERPAS in MARIN!!!!!!!” Isn’t that the best? Thank you for making me laugh. See him? He’s a sherpa. And over there? Yep. Sherpa, too. It was amazing. Like so many things that have happened since the Pocket Call. Like your beautiful, kind, funny, powerful words.
It is so very important to know that life-altering events can alter our lives in the direction we choose. I choose to demonstrate to the Universe that I am grateful for the gift of life and that I accept the responsibility of creation. I can create filth or beauty, hate or love, sadness or joy. I choose beauty, love and joy. The events that mark my steps on my path are simply events. It’s what is born from them that marks my time here on the Blue Marble. It’s how I respond to those events and how I love my fellow beings that truly matters.
I say all that and sometimes feel like some hippie granola girl, but I’m a regular chick who just knows in her heart that it’s how I respond to this betrayal that will define me, not the betrayal itself. Goodness, if I can help another person through pain via my words I will again be grateful for having the opportunity to do so.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi: I’m new to blogs, so I’m unsure how they work. I wanted to respond to your latest post, but I don’t see any sort of replies at the bottom, so, how do I respond to a particular issue without having to reiterate it here?
Anyway, your ex is rife with guilt, as he should be. He is also a self-centered jerk. As a result, he is making you listen to his guilt-induced fears and trying to bring you down with him so he’s not alone there–and he is absolutely alone there. He alone is the guilty one. Don’t let him do this to you. Tell him that you nor no one in your family is talking trash about him, not because they care about him but because it would not be good for the boys. Tell him this is the last time you are going to tell him this and that you will not listen if he brings it up again. This is his issue, not yours. Done.
I’m not sure why you’re crying. Could be a lot of things, but it may be because you can’t fix it for him. Maybe you’re a fixer. You not only can’t fix it for him, you were deeply damaged by what he did. Those are two really big things, and they hurt. Go ahead and cry some. Crying is good for you.
K,
You did good! And I apologize for the delay in replying. I am working through comments as quickly as I can. But I feel bad because you might have thought you didn’t post accurately – but you did! Bravo.
Thank you for your words of support and guidance. You clearly understand boundaries! I still have much work to do there. What resonates with me is that I need to state clearly, and without an emotional reaction, what I need and expect from The Genius and anyone else for that matter. People deserve to know where I stand. Not only will it make life easier for me, but for them as well. We all need to know where we stand. Clear communication is more valuable than platinum, no?
Yes, I am a fixer. But now I am channeling my energies into ‘fixing’ myself. It is not appropriate for me to insert myself into someone’s journey to fix them. That’s a bit rude don’t you think?
Stay close, K.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I was where you are approximately 6 years ago, with three small children and sifting through the rubble of a 2 year affair (his) that wrecked my family. D’s affair began when my youngest was just a baby — with one of our kid’s teachers. Before I met D, I didn’t want to get married. I wanted to be a lawyer in NYC . . .no kids, no commitments. But, D was just like the Genius, picture perfect and a master b-ser. However, D had a family history of affairs (which I found out about many years later), and was so able to lie and pretend that everything was fine, with a simmering resentment for you boiling away underneath. I sit here today, so happily remarried to a wonderful man, R, who is everything D was not, and then some. The career (fantastic then and now), my family, and my friends have stayed constant. I stayed the same, and was resolute that D was such a flawed human being that he didn’t deserve me. I knew it at my core. D later begged me to take him back.. So lame, sad and pathetic that I felt truly sorry for him. D can’t even look at R because he is so ashamed of himself. But R is kind to him because he is just that way and is so happy for the gift (me) that D gave him by setting me free. My 3 children have thrived, even in the midst of divorce. They are like little seedlings that reach for the light, and you are that light. You are their constant, their center, their universe. You will be amazed at where your life takes you after such a betrayal. Better, smarter, happier, with a clear path and vision for the future. Just stay the course for your kids..they will see it and will live by your example, not his.
K,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share these words with me, with us. One of your children’s teachers? How did she sleep at night? That is nauseating.
While I don’t know about the whole re-marrying thing, I do want to be where you are when I’m ready to be. Mostly I want to be living my own life without a cord to The Genius. I want that badly. It is what I am going to focus my efforts on until I achieve it.
I am so grateful to have these little kittens. They deserve to have a happy Mom who can weather the crap that The Genius throws at her. So that is who I will be. It’s a daily challenge, man. Especially on a day like today. Thank goodness I’ve got the outlet of a post to create tonight! HGM saves me yet again.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
I just wanted to say ‘thank you’ for your lovely and revealing blog. It takes a lot of courage to open your soul, and even more courage to be open about the areas in which you feel you need to work.
My only advice, and I may sound like your mom, is to go slowly with Mr. J. It came as absolutely no surprise to me that you have feelings for each other. The way you two met and the karmic connection was incredibly profound. Your conversations, the way you write about him…
I guess what I’m saying is stick to your commitment to love and honor yourself first — especially now. Continue to reacquaint yourself with that sassy redhead who deserves to shine.
Best of luck to you.
Karen
K,
You are so sweet, and so right. I spent the day at Limantour hiking the beach for four hours, regrounding myself and pondering many feelings. The most prominent one is that I have to walk my own path. I hear it over and over. If I don’t love and honor myself first than all else fails.
That said, I’m counting on all of you to remind me of the importance of honoring myself at this time. I take tough love real well.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Let me begin by saying, please, please don’t ever stop writing. I don’t even know where to begin. I have read all of your posts in the last few days and have been bursting at the seams with comments for each and every one… but I just could. not. stop. reading. I have no idea how or why, but you are changing my life. I’m only 22 and I’m not married, never have been, and don’t have kids. On the outside, one would say you and I are pretty different. But every word you write strikes so deep within my being, I physically feel it. Every. Word. Like the previous poster, I too have spent a small fortune on therapy during my (short) life and have always left wondering what on earth the point is. But this blog, is something else. It’s unreal. Since I started reading, I have told everyone in every single one of my classes (I’m a college student) to read your blog. And we are ALL hooked. The waves of change you are making are being felt by generations and I think every single reader would agree.
I don’t know how you are changing my life but you are. I had a blog for a brief period of time (anonymous) but my ego got the best of me and I started to make it less and less anonymous until I realized I had messed the whole point up and deleted it. If anything, you are inspiring me to write. Writing is healing and magical and wonderful and life changing. I miss it and I miss the online community that I see thriving here. I will write again.
You know that new thing: dial-a-star? You pay money each minute to call someone “famous” (Dina Lohan, Octomom…etc.)….well, I’d call you.
When I read your most recent post, I almost cried when I saw it was the last one (for now)… so please, please don’t ever stop writing.
A
A,
Oh, my…I don’t know what to say! Can you move in with me? The Dial-A-Star – I DIED when I read that! That is amazing, hilarious, what a great line. Do you really think it’s the actual, I might choke when I say this, star? Do not let me call this line! But if I do I am totally recording it for all of you. I would have a complete field day with this.
A, I am so happy that my words are resonating with you. I won’t stop writing until the end of my journey, and only because it’s hard to type when you’re dead.
We’re putting a lot of theory into practice here. Perhaps that’s the difference between talk therapy and what we’re doing here at HGM. All I know is, it’s working. I’m loving it, you’re loving it – let’s keep doing it. Thank you for reading, taking the time to comment, and for telling all your friends. But mainly, thank you for your super kind words. Reading them made me feel like a star.
Stay close you totally gorgeous girl,
Love yourself,
Cleo
hey cleo…
you save me during my short little prep period as a teacher. a little grown-up interaction in the middle of teaching 8th graders…sweet.
cleo, i have a confession and i hope it’s ok that i still get inspiration from you: i was married and i cheated on my husband. eeeek.
the funny (?) thing is, though, my ex husband was my very own GENIUS. yay me! and i dishonored the relationship because i was not strong enough to honor myself, and so how could i possibly honor someone else? especially a genius like he is.
it was the biggest mistake of my life.
and also the best wake-up call i could ask for.
i will always regret the hurt that i caused. i am not , and never was, in the business of hurting ANYBODY. but i will never regret the decision to leave, the NEED to leave. i will never regret that it forced me to transform. it was like a drowning splash of cold water that i nearly choked and died from. but i didn’t. and here i am. halo still intact. askew. but intact.
when you write of how your genius still chooses to speak to you, i have to laugh, because after nearly nine years of being divorced, he being remarried and expecting a child with his wife, my genius still speaks to me as if just. don’t. count. i have two boys as well with this genius. and still i. don’t. count. but i too have learned to float above my body when we have to communicate, and watch the character of ME act calm, act respectful, state my needs and move on. man, i need to buy my gown soon. i smell and oscar in the air!
so thank you for your honesty. it helps me remain the same.
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Man, I would love to get a hold of the minds of 8th graders and teach a class called ‘LIFE’. It would create such a firestorm among the parents that it might be the very last thing I do here on the blue marble.
I appreciate your honesty and your expression of remorse for cheating. And we thought we did all of our learning in school! It continues on till the very end of our days. I am grateful for that, because I don’t want to miss an opportunity to learn and grow. And hopefully to love again.
Get that gown. One for you and one for your Observer Self. We’ll flounce our skirts come awards time.
Love yourself,
Cleo
your writing is simply art. You are so talented and the honesty of your words reaches ones soul as we all have had some sort of heartbreak and you my friend have made it ok for all of us to say it out loud and know it makes us stronger not a weakness. I’m cheering you on from afar!!!
C,
Thank you. Love you. Owe you. And so grateful to have you here on the blue marble.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I was given this link from a friend who was surfing the net and couldn’t believe that stories could all be so similar and yours reminded her of mine.
It was Dec 2 2010 when my husband of 15yrs together and I met the whore. She had already been married twice and my husband was going to be her 3rd affair on her 2nd husband. 2 kids with 2 different men…she had class written all over her..all over her fake boobs and low cut tops. She was shopping for a new one and mine fell into the boob trap. SHe was a new neighbour and we were at a Christmas party. She called me on Dec 3rd and had me added on her facebook that same day. She was working fast. I called my husband and said “you will never guess who called me already today?” After a min or so he said her name. I didn’t think anything of it. I went away to work ( I am a flight attendant) for a few weekends in Dec and would come home and find out her and her oldest son were hanging around my husband and children. Still not really thinking anything was wrong with this situation as she seemed happily married. Dec 23rd “loverboy” as I have named him and the “whore” which is her known name around town went Christmas shopping for my presents my husband was buying for me. They took her and my oldest boys with them. My son walked in the house and told me that they were holding hands in the mall. My friend and I were wrapping presents that evening and looked at each other like…hmmmm. Christmas came and went and she invited us over to her house for her son’s birthday party. She had at this point started having my boys call her “momma C” which I thought was a bit odd and had asked her to stop. We were standing in her kitchen that night at the party and her oldest son said ” Hey Dad”…his real father…I have named him baby daddy #1 looked over and her son said (no word of a lie) ” not you dad…my other dad” and was looking at my husband. I pulled loverboy aside and told him this was going to stop tonight and no more of this momma and dad shit.
Jan 4 2011 – Loverboy came downstairs at our new house and we were going to watch a tv show. He was a bit antsy and as we watched he said to me…I don’t think I want to be married anymore. Of course I started to cry….all the questions followed…are you having an affiar? No he said. So the next few weeks I tried to make everything better…more attentive, let him have some space, had lots of sex cause when you have small kids you are not rabbits anymore….nothing was working. I thought I would give her a call and ask if she knew anything…not even thinking she was the biggest part of my problem. She told me to “let him go, he doesn’t love you….over and over she repeated. The kids will be fine…and she wouldn’t stop. I went home that night and said to loverboy…I think she likes you. He said no way. She was so mean to me I told him. I got a text the next day from her saying that she was sorry it came across rude and abrasive but he doesn’t love you.
There is so much more to write and she is a piece of trash and he is a looser. I should write a book.
I enjoyed reading all of your stories and talking about it is so brave. I can’t believe how many women this happens to.
J,
It’s safe to say that some people are disconnected from what it means to live a morally sound life. What a crazy set of circumstances! I hope that you are centered in knowing that his actions and her actions have nothing to do with you. Sadly, they impacted you in a devastating fashion, but they weren’t motivated by you.
Like you, I tried to make everything right but I soon realized that it wasn’t for me to make it right.
I’m coming to understand that I am not part of The Genius’ world that he created once he stepped off the path we agreed to embark upon together. So I need only to remain in the flow of my world, which includes the children.
Let’s high five and be proud of how we handle this massive devastation/transition. I’m game.
Thank you for taking the time to share your story and for being here with me, with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am still trying to get emails about the blog posts and they are not coming in. When I subscribe, it tells me that I’m already signed up. I would love to get notified when you post but it’s not working.
M,
I am so sorry for my broken RSS feed. Errrr! I worked on it last night, nearly took down the entire internet and then called on a friend. I’m hopeful I can get it fixed soon. I am so not a techie. Thank you for your patience!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I’ve got you bookmarked so I’ll keep coming back to check. I am inspired by your courage you exhibit in your blog. You’ve taken a difficult (probably an understatement) situation and have turned it into something that can help others and yourself in the process.
I’m confident that you’ve named your blog correctly.
Love yourself as well.
Marcie
M,
I shall, I shall. And I swear I will fix this RSS issue…eventually. Hopefully in the next few days. Thank you for your kind words. I’m all about making spun sugar out of cow dung. All. About. It.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
I too, devoured your blog in one sitting after a friend told me about it. I’m sure any soul who has been betrayed can feel the pain, anger, vulnerability, hope, sadness, and a myriad of other emotions when reading your story. As one who was betrayed when I was younger (by a long-term boyfriend that I thought was my “forever partner”) so many of your emotions resonated with me. Thank you so much for bravely sharing your story. I truly appreciate that you are using your story to empower yourself, strengthen and improve your life.
Peaceful Blessings to you and your readers.
C,
I’m so grateful you found HGM. And that you took the time to share with me your kind words. As you may have read in other replies, I am beyond grateful to have the opportunity to write it all out, and to have this amazing community of people to support me and to keep me real. To keep me honest. As a result, I am moving swiftly on a path of healing. It is my true hope that I can help speed the process for others who are deep in the muck of betrayal.
I’m taking your blessings and cloning them! Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hellooooo Cleo – God Wink!….the following is Robert Holden’s inspiration for the day on ….FOREGIVENESS. It sure made me smile and I think he makes sense of it all. You are strong to foregive….I’m still waiting for the forgiveness goosebumps to rock my world….though I must say the feeling comes and goes. It’s all about letting go…and that’s another comment post. I have been in your shoes though I am size 8 1/2….you are not falling down anywhere soon. I’m celebrating today,too and how in the heck do you do all of those hikes???
Amazing! YOU ARE! W
Shift Happens!
Daily Inspiration 14 May 2012
Today is a good day for forgiveness.
Mind you, forgiveness is not for everyone.
It is only for those who would like to experience
peace, love, joy, bliss, healing, freedom,
total salvation and things like that.
W,
First I get out my sneakers…;-)
I make time for my hiking. It’s been easy to blow off in the past, but that rearranged itself with The Pocket Call. I would feel guilty if The Genius returned form a trip and I took three hours out to go on a hike. Then I came to from my self-induced life coma and decided not to live for the sake of another. My hiking is a top priority for me. It’s great for my emotional and physical health, and it sets a great example for the boys. It makes me HAPPY. So I make the time to do it. The Genius was never that into it. He liked hiking, but being in top physical condition was not a priority for him.
“It is only for those who would like to experience
peace, love, joy, bliss, healing, freedom,
total salvation and things like that…”
That’s exactly how I feel. And I’m in the flow. Even if the climb is vertical, I seem to be moving through it with ease.
Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to share this daily inspiration. I’m so grateful to have you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Morning Cleo…Funny….and I totally get it. Sneakers first! I think it is all about putting ourselves first and foremost so that we can be our best selves for us and all those around us….it’s about living with integrity and without compromise. We all have something that gives us this amazing rush…yours is hiking to the stars and mine is getting on with my life while building a new foundation for our family in the form of a family cottage 5 cottages up from what will be my former husband’s cottage. The new cottage is a place where family and friends will go for to experience “peace, love, joy, bliss, healing, freedom, and things like that.” The “old” cottage will also be such a place. New beginnings for all of us just like putting on a new pair of sneakers right out of the box. May I add I am oh so careful with my phone, texts and emails now…have a good one….I’m off to find my glasses….and my running shoes…in order to get back to the cottage! ;~)
W,
“…it is all about putting ourselves first and foremost so that we can be our best selves for us and all those around us…”
So very true. And something so many of us struggle with because we’ve been taught that it’s selfish to be that way.
Uh, no. Not selfish. Living for others first and putting yourself last routinely cooks up a massive amount of resentment. To become our best self gives us the opportunity to share that best self with another who can simply enjoy, lap it up, revel in it. If it’s not the kind of self they want to hang with then they’re free to move on. As are we.
I want to be all that I am capable of being. That’s the top priority. Then I can bring all of that amazing-ness into an encounter where blue marble magic can occur.
A family cottage sounds delicious. I imagine a myriad of people scurrying about while someone is scrambling eggs and another is putting on music and another is curled up under a wool blanket reading a book and another is putting a puzzle together…and then someone sees a rainbow and they all run to the window and gasp. Life is amazing, isn’t it?
Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow, I admire your strength. I am starting on my overdue journey into separation with two small children. I am afraid, alone, and very angry. For someone less courageous what advice can you give to get by her evenings and nights. It’s not like my nights were filled with any stimulating communication when he was here but sometimes having a body next to you deceives you into thinking you’re not alone.
S,
“…sometimes having a body next to you deceives you into thinking you’re not alone.”
Be alone. That’s my advice to you. I heard it loud and clear when I read your comment. Be alone with yourself. Take time to sit, breath, and excavate. See what you find. I bet it’s breathtaking.
And please stay close – we can do this together. I’m not that far ahead of you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m two months into this and am still stunned. Stunned by the selfishness of not only my husband but the woman, a mother herself, trying to usurp me and my son. My husband is desperately trying to save our marriage, but I’m not so sure. A true narcissist – he got it honest sitting at his mother’s cloven hooves – but he has just enough character to actually see the devastation he’s caused.
I am dubious because our entire marriage has been all about him. I’ve read your entries regarding boundaries and I wish I had demanded some myself early on. I now get the old saying “you teach people how to treat you” I just didn’t realize my instructions were to bitch-slap my soul! So I’m stuck. My son has begged us to stay together, but I don’t know if that is best for him. I want him to grow up to respect women, to not try to absorb them and bend them to his will. I think he also needs to see that there are dire consequences for despicable behavior.
I’m still unsure of what I want, but reading your blog sparked a twinge of envy. That might just be saying “it’s my turn now”.
I’ll be reading you and wishing you peace, self-love, and happiness done in your soul. Thank you for being so brave.
S,
I sense a great deal of bravery in you. Treasure that part of your spirit and utilize it to create those much needed boundaries. I struggle to do it myself, but I’m slowly getting there. It’s a challenge to uncover a need and then be able to communicate it, and stand by it.
“I’m still unsure of what I want…” I see a date night with yourself in your future. Take the time. Determine your needs and then revel in the joy of aligning with them and creating your reality.
I’m looking forward to hearing about your progress. We all support your journey. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here to support me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo:)
Just found this blog and feel like I’m home! My husband was caught having a 2 year affair a little less then 2 years ago. She is married also. I truly loved this man and was heartbroken. Now, two years later I am repulsed by him! You see we tried the marriage counseling, talking etc. but bottom line to this day he has no remorse or empathy for the pain he put me through.
It’s strange that someone you were so in love with actually turns my stomach.
Still in the house, living separately because he can’t keep a job.
Well surprise to him, I am taking both dogs, packing what I need and moving to the West Coast by October.
Poor baby, unless he can find someone to take care of his lazy ass, he will have no car insurance, no iPhone, no utilities and not one penny for food. Felt a bit bad for a short time but, too bad. I basically let him live off me, paid for his health care( oops won’t have that either), paid the bills and loved him with my entire being. And he repays me by lying, screwing around with a known cheater and told me to get over it!
PS- I have been told I am beautiful, have a great career(nurse)
And ready to begin my life over at 56 in California!!!
Maybe he did do me a favor, just wish his slut would have left with him years ago ( she dumped him because hubby is loaded)!
Thanks again. You are too cool
E,
First, many apologies for the delay in replying to your comment. I thought I had, but, alas, it was an oversight on my part. Forgive. XO
The west coast has been a great place to come heal for me. I imagine it will be that way for you, too. We’ll roll out the red carpet for you! Come north! (No offense to SoCal, but NoCal…well, let’s just say it’s sublime.)
You’re doing yourself a favor – and him! I’m reminded by a story in a book I love called, Astrology for the Soul. I’m not a horoscope girl, but this book on North Nodes (not really sure what a North Node is still…) is an amazing tool to open up avenues within for pondering. Anyway, she discusses a client of hers that was pouring forth all that he did for his wife to keep her happy. He went out of his way to entertain her, travel, open her eyes to new experiences, but she was never happy. The author scolds him by saying something to the effect of, You took away her power. By doing all that for her you didn’t allow her the opportunity to develop a way to create her own happiness. The cycle was destined to repeat, with failure as its only outcome.
We all have to create our own happiness and life success. You will do yours by staying on your path and moving west and he will find his, I hope. Revel in the fact that you aren’t responsible for his happiness. Only yours. And it’s a HUGE responsibility. Because it’s why we’re here. To find our way to peace and happiness. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for being here. I look forward to hearing about your journey.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you for reading my note. I really love your blog because it hits home! I don’t have alot of friends that are there for me. My best friend was my sister who passed away four years ago. Since then I feel like I lost my shoulder to cry on and my touch stone. The past few years I have dealt with serious losses in my life. My baby sister (only sibling ), my grandmother 10 days before her and the realization that my entire marriage was a lie. I even lost the love I thought I had with my husbands family.
I truly believed that my mother in law and family cared for me. I even let her vent and cry when my husband’s dad left after 40 years of marriage for another woman. She was devastated and heartbroken.
Until I found out that she knew about my husbands affair and befriended the mistress. Chatting on the phone, meeting for drinks and went to a family BBQ that the mistress and my husband hosted together while I was at work and her husband out of town on business. It was a slap in the face!!
My mother in law hasn’t spoken to me in two years. All his family and even their children attended their party! What type of people disrespect a marriage and my feelings with no apology nothing.
I do believe they did me a favor. Until then I actually thought maybe someday I could forgive my husband. But that was the day I fell out of love knowing I could never be part of this horrible, deceitful family again!
E,
Your comment makes me think that The Family Genius as a whole has been living a double life! Let me guess…did your former mother-in-law also ‘friend’ the mistress on facebook? Because that’s such a respectable thing to do…
Ah, a boundary flies through my core like a shooting star: I will not judge.
Why they do what they do is not for us to ponder or decipher or attempt to right. As I say to my Mom all the time – it’s their gig. Not mine. I don’t chose to live that way and I don’t chose to share my time here on the blue marble with people who do.
We all have choices – I want to be blissfully proud of those that I make. I know you do, too. We’ll celebrate our successes one day in Cali.
Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I wanted to take a minute to thank you for blogging this stuff. I am experiencing something very similar, and you, by the way, have handled it with far more grace than I am, so it’s incredibly inspiring for me. I feel like I was led to your blog by the same forces in my life that led me to the discovery of my husband’s affair, and consequently led me to discover the other woman in my home, in my bed, led me to the home my children and I relocated to, and led me to the new job I’m about to start. Your words are changing my life one entry at a time! Thanks again!
Jody
J,
You are very welcome. I know the feeling of being led – I was gifted the Pocket Call because I wasn’t allowing myself to see what was happening, I was led into the arms of my family and then led here, to the arms of thousands, you included, who have gifted me with such love, support and guidance that I float when I think of you all.
Rock that new job, lap up all those new encounters that are coming your way, and be an inspiration for us all. I’m grateful you are here. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have been reading your blogs and the comments with great interest after having stumbled upon it two days ago. I have a very similar story, The sh*t hit the fan here back on September 1, 2010 and then again in October 2011 when I had my own Pocket Call (divine intervention, indeed). 15 year relationship. 10 year marriage. 3 year old son. 15 years of infidelity, the issues predated our relationship and transcend the dynamic with me personally. The last one was a 3-year relationship (yep) with a woman married and two kids that he worked with. He has been in therapy since October (he filed for divorce in November 2011, which is now nearly final). He now claims he wants me back and has said that therapy has helped him to overcome his problems. I met with the therapist. She concurs. It’s weird, something draws me to him. I am not sure what it is.
My only points of departure with your story, is that you were finished with The Genius upon seeing the truth. Also your Genius has not accepted responsibility. My Martyr has been self-flagellating now for several months. And also I am having trouble letting go of him. I am not sure what my problem is. I have actually signed a lease on an apartment about 5 hours away and my house is up for sale. I am physically removing myself from the trauma. Emotionally doing so is much harder. Why do I have a deep compassion for a person who could hurt me so deeply? How were you able to emotionally untangle yourself from The Genius? I am saddened and disappointed, but not revolted by The Martyr. I wish I was.
Anyhow, your blogs make me laugh and cry and I will be closely following along on your journey, as my own journey unfolds in tandem with yours and with everyone else’s here…………….Thank you.
L,
Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to comment. You are in the midst of an experience rich with opportunities for growth.
Some thoughts…the first step is to remove yourself physically. You need space to breath and ponder. If I read this correctly, the lies and deceit stretch back for several years – 15? Just because he is sorry does not mean you have to remain with him. In a case like this I am compelled to say that past performance is the best indicator of future performance.
“It’s weird, something draws me to him. I am not sure what it is.” This is a question that warrants an answer. Please get out on the blue marble and spend some time with this one. When you feel you have the answer, go back and dig further. I bet it has nothing to do with him. Any emotional attachment I had to The Genius died the day I realized he was still lying even after he said he wasn’t lying. His lying will never stop. And it hasn’t. I can now tell with perfect ease when he’s fabricating something to suit his own goal. I wouldn’t want to share a park bench with someone who can lie and deceive his own family like The Genius has done, so it was pretty clean and easy to say, Well, sucker punch me. That’s over.
SO glad I’m not The Happy Dance Chick. I would not want to win that prize. Once a liar always a liar. Do I have compassion for him? I do.
And I respect and love myself. I have no place in my world for someone like that. I took a stand for myself, for my soul. The Universe has rewarded me in the most magical ways ever since. I mean pure, total freaking magic. By taking a stand I mean loving myself, discovering my boundaries and needs, maturing, being accountable for the way in which I live this absolute gift of life…all these things that I write about I do, I live. And I believe firmly that’s why I’m surrounded by magic.
I hope that helps kick start for you some opportunity for self-care and excavation. Stay close, we are here to help in any way. I’m certain the sages of HGM will weigh in with their own more eloquent words of wisdom.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thanks Cleo. I am getting the kick in the pants that I need to take that giant leap of faith into the unknown. When you talk about The Genius deceiving his family, that really resonated with me. It’s a whole family deceived for selfishness. And it’s wrong. I will be moving exactly one week from today and my new life awaits. I am enjoying reading about your own new life unfolding before us all.
L,
May the light of the gorgeous moon guide you to your new home and light up your heart. We’re so very proud of you!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo…i came upon this blog because i actually googled “do men text another man and say “we miss you” …..you see…this is what was on my husbands phone…he received it while he was only away from work for a few days…i have been married 38 yrs..
This comes at the worst years my marriage has known and serious doubt exists that it will move forward…all this time…i waited forty years for my work addicted husband to come home and he never did…rather moves farther away..
For several years i wanted to find women who i could resemble…a online journal etc…but reasons are many that i did not…how do you do something like you have done without being revealed by those in your life that would just want to be voyeurs and not supporters??
I don’t think my blogs would reflect happiness, but would ask a lot of questions about how you take one path and get redirected…i have this feeling i need to start from day one of the hows and whys of our marriage in order to make sense of today…
With grown children it just isn’ta legacy i want to leave them…but i want to write it out in a retracing of my steps…either my husband has list much cognitive thinking and simply is nearing an early form of dimentia…depression or he truly has lost true love that has been replaced with obligatory love…and i can feel it…it is a very cruel trick to play on a woman, if it is intentional…
I am using this email but will get a more permanent one soon..
Are these blogs anonymous? I have to be careful at this stage…but want desperately to write my thoughts and disappointments…i had thought a few weeks ago of handwriting them and putting them in
the mail in hopes that a curious postal worker would either open them or dispose of them…either way..my ewords would have been in print…
J,
I am so glad you found us here at HGM. And now that I know how to spell it correctly (thanks to a well-educated reader), breathe. With me…breathe. Like me when I got the Pocket Call, you have a thousand thoughts running through your brain and your emotions are running you hard. It will take some time, but with quiet meditation and focused, deep breathing over several minutes, you will see all those thoughts and emotions settle down. That’s step one – get it all to settle. You need to be able to feel clearly and see clearly.
Write, write, write. Start on paper. Don’t ‘think’, feel. And don’t control the words that pour forth, just let them flow. Stop thinking about other people. Love them, but don’t spend your time thinking about what they’re thinking, doing, feeling. Just stay with you. Go back…not to figure your husband out, but to figure you out. The analogy of the onion being peeled back layer by layer is over-used but tried and true. Just keep peeling…but only you. Don’t peel anyone else. Ask your emotions to come forth, observe them, spend time with them. Over days. Turn inward. I picture it as if I’m pulling up anchor or untying myself from the dock of life. Sometimes I need to go float in my own ocean. I feel you need to now. It’s time to have a date with yourself and fall back in love.
It all starts there, J. Stay close. There are thousands of people here who can give you the most objective, caring and constructive wisdom-filled comments I’ve ever had the good fortune of reading. I know they’ll lend a little love…stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo…please forgive another comment…the last one did not allow me to end it well…i guess i said too much…
I have been reading back and hope to read everything….i read their words and wonder even more how did i get here and what horrible luck i always had when i tried to be independent and work…
I know women today are so independent and smart and can manage financially…but how does a 55 yr old woman earning less than 600 a month in disability get out of a solely dependent financially restricted marriage…is that when he knew he could treat me bad? My disability is related to a tumor i had taken out of spine in 2003…… so i have not worked nor been able to for that long…it took 6 yrs to get disabilityi…
How do you ladies do it?? I am so afraid…last year when i knew mmy husband was emotionally gone i found out that his savings are all going into his 401k at work…he will not share anything with me regarding what would need to be done in an emergency regarding his assets…
I cry when i realize how i trusted him over the years…even giving him a lump sum of money for our savings that he says has mostly been lost to bad investments…when i say i have no one…i mean no one…i have tried to talk to grown married sons but it is counter productive…
The horrible part about this is a series of events that occurred after we moved into a new house almost six years ago…after a year i started having almost debilitating allergy issues that we since have learned because of bad mistakes in building, mold had grown due to leak at a door…that was fixed…but now i have found many other problems relating to the crawlspace and hvac system…
My husband refuses to validate any of this…and i am rambling…thete is just so many layers to this that i feel like there will never be a way out…money, health insurance and him being 56.. that tells me we are just two unhappy senior citizens that will never be able to care about each other again…my husband would need intense therapy at this point….his answer is to work as much as he can and discount me…
Does anyone know how my age and disability status are going to affect a resolution of marriage…if i could be working today my life would have an entirely diffetent outcome…i am not in a wheelchair or anything…..but have some nerve damage in my leg…that seems to get better at times and at othets it prevents me from having a normal level of actvity…i guess this will be as good as it will get…this what worries me so much…thank you for any help or info….just b
J,
I’m so grateful you found HGM. Please, never feel as though you need to apologize for your words, or how they are written. Taking the initiative to comment is a beautiful enough expression.
This will come as no surprise…fear or being afraid has never, in the history of man, ever accomplished a thing.
Your body is telling you it needs your attention. Everything is pointing to the need for self-love and self-care. Make yourself do it. I say that with care. I know it’s hard. Make yourself do it. Make yourself acknowledge all the reasons to smile and feel joy. The magic of being on a floating freaking beach ball in the midst of the Universe always makes me smile. Start there. Then read the posts on boundaries and needs and falling in love with yourself. When you feel ready to sit down and calmly address your needs with your husband do so from the heart, but with the utmost respect for yourself.
We are remarkably resilient, J. We’re capable of more than we believe possible. It takes initiative and determination. And love. And optimism. No matter what the challenges, life is still a total gift. You’re being asked to rise to the occasion. I know you can do it. Please, kittens, weigh in…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo….thank ypu for the morale booster….it’s funny, but I was always the one who did that with others. I could see that stronger brighter future for others…sometimes we need to be reminded of what has been there all along…my favorite part in The Wizard of Oz was when the good witch told Dorothy that she had the power to go home during the entire journey…
I remember as a 7 yr old breathing a sigh of relief for Dorothy and the message was not lost on me…but I’m not 7….and there is no wizard behind my curtain….those ruby slippers always did look uncomfortable….I have some choices
In my case I don’ think my husband will likely never produce a girlfriend…he would take any infedelity to his grave…i have realized that i am basically that woman who married so young that she did not realize that by the time some people were feeling comfortable in their relationship, hers would be crumbled…
It won’t get ironed out., we are really too old for that, being 55 changes things dramatically…there is nothing more to look forward to once you realize that as a couple…all marriage disasters don’t come with an affair…especially long term ones…
How foolish of me to think my husband would have any loyalty to me…after seeing shocking breakups…and the people that did them…truthfully i knew many years ago that i would not keep my husband happy…based on who he was when i met him…we were very young…
I was thinking recently that women whose husbands get found out or who simply fess up may be the lucky ones in this mass of mayhem called marriage…don’t we all like to know where we stand in life?? When there is a huge emptiness between you, you keep wanting to put something thete to fill it up…a person would fit nicely…maybe they could allow me to just stop thinking about that space…move on to another area that gives promise…you know i have been meaning to get a dog……maybe i could just move on and get a dog…..
Jus sayin….
Thanks again for your words…you are an inspiration..Just B
What I think a lot of women and men assume until you live with someone over thirty yeats….generally speaking of course is that if a marriage fails, it has to be about another woman or man…
J,
My hugest apologies for the delay in replying to your comment. I thought I was up to date and went through old folders and found this! So very sorry.
I hope you got a dog! A wonderful animal spirit to ground you during this time. Maybe he’ll find you…
You do have a right to know what is going on in your life. We need to trust those closest to us. But we can’t control what they do. We are all on our own paths. The terrain can change dramatically over time, but we can also change how we traverse it. Face your life with optimism, J. Mr. Triathlete is 54. His life is really kicking into gear now. Age is a number. Fearless is forever. Cheesy, but true.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thanks again……the writing thing…it does heal….and it confirms us…i haven’t figured the hows and whys…but it does…
I know people that have said “but i can’t write out my feelings” and i have always been grateful that i could do that…editing be damned..
Writing this on a nook…sorry bout typos …
J,
Write on, m’lady. Hope you are well. So grateful you are here with me, with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi cleo…i have been here reading the posts and just realized just how dependent and manipulated i have been. I allowed it, i know now because that was how it had to work or the behavior i am seeing would have surfaced years ago when i could have moved onward…graduating college at 30 did not help me at all..i did it all backwards…so did he, but his radar was always on, mine was not.
No woman has been produced and none will be…so i will never know exactly when it came apart, but i can come close to guessing. Anger does me no good today, but continue to be angry at my mother who caused all her daughters to make very irrational decisions, adult decisions, while still being a child. If the truth be told, my mother always had a disdain for female children, and emerging womanhood for them meant even more rejection, to the point they had to flee, literally.
When i left my parents home at 15, i was barefoot, and very vulnerable…stepping out of one abusers view finder into another, but the second abuser wanted to always let his father, who abandoned him as a toddler, to believe he was above any and all bad behavior, so he got good at emotional abuse. Showing paranoia and jealousy when his children were young, putting the seed of mistrust in a womans mind who never considered a life with any other man. And the stage was set.
The next thirty years went on predictable. Abuser withdraws, abused trying to please, abuser rallys but still never fully trusts. This withdrawal process that is going on shows a clear pattern that something isn’t right mentally, it was almost a struggle going on within him to be the genetic likeness of both disturbed parents, and i watched it, but was simply not smart enough to know something could be wrong.
So here i am with a huge dilemma, to insist on mental health counseling for him or divorce, which will plunge him further into whatever dark hole he must be hiding in. The financial ruin will begin, and it will be my fault. How is it that we run from one problem in life to another.
I have no children to mother at this point, no career ladder to climb, and am living a solitary life based on my familys needs over the years. Making and keeping social contacts is impoosible when you have a jealous spouse who is gone so much under the guise of working, that he believes no woman would care that much about him, after all didn’t his father leave him?
Right now i am connecting the dots, its all coming together, the past, the present, and even the future are kind of representing. The glaring truth was there, and i was so stupid, but most of all, i was so dependent. No matter how many shoes i bought. I was still that barefoot girl who fled my mothers house on August 1, 1972….and remained that way till just recently..
Thanks for the outlet Cleo, in thought its not as rambling as it is here…jus B
J,
Thank you for being here, J. And for taking the time to comment. This is a powerful gathering of words. So much stands out as deserving a long and potent pondering session. This, for instance:
“How is it that we run from one problem in life to another?” My intuitive response is, Because we aren’t completing the lesson plan. We may do some homework but we don’t ace the test. So the problem morphs and reenters our space.
Have you thought of the idea that we pick our parents? If the soul sees that nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems, and views life as school, then is it possible that you picked your Mom in order to have a very specific experience here on the blue marble?
Whenever I am faced with a challenge I seek to understand why I created it. What am I supposed to be learning. When the lesson come to light and I am able to see how I need to understand it, I am grateful.
You will find SUCH wisdom in the comments on these posts of mine. Take the time to explore them. The kittens of HGM have taught me more in six months than I have been able to learn in my 46 years. I am forever and massively grateful to them.
Keep peeling away the layers, m’lady. And focus only on you. Everyone else needs to take care of themselves. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
August 24 th entry is truly remarkable! You have managed to write what myself and so many others feel and cannot quite place in words…. Beautiful. Honest…. Quite frankly breathtaking!!!! Write on .LY
C,
Thank you. Love you. It comes right from the heart.
So grateful to have you here. Go forth and write, I say!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I am very glad to have found this site and am hoping you’ll find it in your heart to reply, as I am struggling greatly and am filled with despair, anger and loneliness. You’re clearly an intelligent person who ‘gets it’ so I am looking forward to your input.
I learned of my wife’s infidelity one week ago and have been devastated ever since. She saw a man for nearly one year until it supposedly ended in February 2011, although she has remained in contact with him until I discovered the truth last Thursday. She insists it has been only a friendly/business relationship since 2011.
Our marriage had been on the rocks when this happened. Neither of us were happy and I know I could have done more to improve the marriage. I’ve always taken responsibility for my share of our problems, particularly this last week. While no one deserves to be cheated on, I caused her to be unhappy. If I were a better husband there’s a strong chance she would have remained faithful.
Since I feel so badly for my shortcomings in the relationship, I am trying to work through this. We also have two children together, who mean the world to me. I can’t picture my life seeing them only on a limited basis and I want them to have the love and support of both their parents at all times. That’s what they deserve.
Still, I feel like I’m in a no-win situation. This will always hurt, I’d imagine. The pain will subside, but the scar will always remain. Like a white board that has been written on with permanent marker. You could scrub it pretty well and will still be able to use it, but there will always be faint reminder of the mistake. If I stay, this may always be in the back of my mind. If I leave, I lose my family…unless, of course, you have the power to go back in time and stop this from ever happening!
My wife has been great since I learned the truth. She has done and said all the right things and has been patient with me while I ride a roller-coaster of emotions. She has seemingly been honest with me, has agreed to never speak to him again, and will do everything in her power to regain my trust and save this marriage. However, many doubts remain in my mind.
Like you, I was mistakenly contacted by my wife. She sent me an email intended fro him. Within that email, she referred to their sexual past. This is an issue for me. It’s bad enough she’s remained friends, but they have at least sometimes discussed their sordid past. I received the email last Wednesday and, despite the smoking gun, she insisted her account was hacked until I convinced her I was about to learn the IP address of the computer that sent the message. She confessed at 9:24AM last Thursday.
Specific problems I have with the affair that have greatly troubled me:
She crossed boundaries I wish could have been remained intact. Namely, she gave and received oral sex. That really bothers me. She was never into doing that for me, and receiving it from me was always special to us. I enjoy(ed) doing it and consider a strength of mine. Sorry to be so graphic, but I really need to get all this out. I haven’t told anyone, as I don’t want to cause the family any embarrassment (especially if we stay together) and I don’t want family/friends to always think ill of her.
The affair started, stopped for three months, then started again. This haunts me. When it stopped in February 2011, he left the company. That HAD to be the biggest reason, right? She says he wanted more and she was not willing to leave me, but come on?
She could have come forward before I found out. More importantly, she could have at least been honest about after I received the email. Did she think I was that stupid I would blindly believe someone hacked into her account and ignore the proof?
This has made me feel completely inadequate in every way. I feel I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone or anything.
I feel a LOT of anger towards him. I did not know him, but he knew she was married. He was under the impression that we were at least partially separated – that I spent half my nights sleeping elsewhere and the other half in our spare bedroom. This has no validity to it. She must have given him that impression to make her seem like less of an adulterer. When I spoke to him on the phone, he was unpleasant and unapologetic, though he did not provoke me. I spoke to him calmly and was grateful he took my call. Still, there is a large part of me that wants to inflict a great deal of pain on him. I hate feeling this way, as I am not a violent person.
Perhaps the biggest question in my mind: Does she feel guilty or remorseful. She seems remorseful, but if that were truly the case, wouldn’t she have confessed sooner? She has been falling all over me this week, maybe more so than EVER before. She says she want to use this as a springboard toward greater happiness, as a means to love me completely forever. She also claims that in the last 18 months since this supposedly ended, she has been more in love with me and has had greater hope for our future. Yet, I did not see any changes in her behavior. She did not treat me any differently until last Wednesday/Thursday.
What am I to do? I am sorry I went on for so long. I am in such pain and have chosen not to use friends and family for a sounding board, so I really needed to get this out. If you can find it in your heart to offer a thoughtful reply like you’ve done for so many other people, it would truly touch my soul. Either way, thank you so much for creating this blog. It has already been a GIANT help to me.
J
P.S. Please keep this anonymous.
J,
Man, I am so glad you found HGM. I am impressed with how you are moving through these early days. I’d rather surf a 90 foot wave (I’ve never caught a wave before, ever) than relive the days just after the discovery of The Genius’ affair. I empathize with how hurt you are; the pain of betrayal is devastating and does not heal swiftly.
“This has made me feel completely inadequate in every way. I feel I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone or anything.” This sentence struck a chord with me. I made The Genius feel inadequate – not an excuse to screw me over for four years, but a lesson learned on my part. Feeling inadequate is SO common and so destructive. Tackle this first, and it starts with falling in love with yourself. You have everything to offer yourself and your children. The ego part of you may disagree, but I can tell from your words that your heart understands this and is willing to give all.
Breathe. Make no moves now. Gosh, for the next two weeks just focus on being gentle with yourself. Try to limit the time you spend with the logistics of what has happened, the 3D WWWWWH, and be selfish. Focus on you. Just you and your children. Your spouse may want to rush right along, dousing you with love and attention. Awesome. But what I believe you may need more is some time with you. Time to start the process of building boundaries, looking at why you created this learning opportunity in your life, and falling in love with yourself. Take time to be on the planet. Friday is an excellent day for this. It’s the blue moon, a full orb of light to guide you in this time. I’ll be right there with you.
Be very present, J. Believe that you will be okay. That it’s all playing out as you’ve designed it. As you spend time with yourself and process your feelings and thoughts, the specifics of what happened will fade and the lessons will emerge. No need to control the outcome. If you let go it will exceed your expectations. It may not look like you want it to look right now, but it will be what you need. Stay firmly present in the moment. If you feel yourself spinning center yourself and remind yourself that you only have to deal with the moment right in front of you.
For right now, my hope is that you will come from your heart and not your mind, that you will not move beyond the next two weeks, that you will take the time to be alone on the planet, and that you will attempt to quiet the mind (it’s going to want to rehash and create conversations that may never happen and basically take over) and spend time observing your emotions. You’re building the foundation for how you will move through this betrayal. Take the time to set the rocks soundly and you will benefit from this experience. You will emerge form the muck a much richer man. Choose to make this the best thing that ever happened to you. Choose it.
We are here for you, J. Thank you so much for sharing your words. I’m certain others will have some thoughts for you as well.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
You are doing a wonderful thing. I only wish I had this resource 7 years, one month and 26 days ago. I might have made the right choice then. Instead, I stayed, made more bad decisions (moving a second time for his career to another place I can’t stand) and then had him leave me 5 years later (but tell everyone that I ended the marriage) after more affairs and a lot of emotional abuse.
I have a beautiful little girl and she is the gift that came from this nightmare of a marriage. She is why we met, married and didn’t get on flight 93 on 9/11 (seriously). It was all so that she could be born to this world in 2004.
I keep saying that there must be more for me. If for no other reason, then to be a better role model for her. There must be a reason for where I am but I can’t find it. I’m just completely lost right now and cannot figure out any way to get to happiness. I feel as if I am drowning.
I admire how centered and grounded you are and I admire your strength. Perhaps I will absorb some of it by continuing to follow your posts.
C,
I’m so grateful you are here and took the time to comment. You will find that the kittens know how to rally and support. They just might not come often to the contact page so be sure to share on the posts. I’ve learned so much from them.
I hope that you have had a chance to go back to the beginning of HGM, to when I was lost. To when I discovered that I had to fall back in love with myself. I can’t say that following in my footsteps will work for you, but maybe some of the steps I took can be ones you take as well. The first three things I feel like I truly focused on were falling back in love with myself, seeking every opportunity to acknowledge beauty around me, and giving thanks out loud often for every little piece of joy, every time I felt supported, every time I chose to remain centered and peaceful instead of reacting or allowing fear or anger to take over, among a zillion other ‘every times…’.
“There must be a reason for where I am but I can’t find it. I’m just completely lost right now and cannot figure out any way to get to happiness. I feel as if I am drowning.” And I feel like you’re just getting ready to come up for air. This time tread water and feel how amazing it is to bob in a sea, surrounded by a massive sky, under a brilliant full moon.
If I was sitting across the table from you, I’d take your hands and lock eyes and tell you that you are magic. You are full of love. You can see the beauty within you and all around you, just as you see the beauty in your daughter. You have created a journey, and you’re on it. There is more…
Thank you so much for your kind words. Be kind and gentle to yourself, C, and know that you can always come here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I found your blog while searching for information on giants and thought I would pick your brain…I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’m obviously writing to you because I am going through a terribly painful divorce and I feel like my body is being split in half thanks to the intense emotional pain it is causing me.
I have some questions for you about blogs. I just started a blog, never thought I would ever do that and I feel like such an amateur, well in so many departments right now. I am pleased to be taking up this mode of barfing my thoughts, as painful and impulsive as they are, since I am loathe to inflict them on my friends and family. Not to mention I don’t feel particularly understood by anyone at this point.
My q’s about b’s are, I have noticed that you don’t post photos and keep others anonymous. Do you recommend that others not use real names and not post photos of themselves? Another is that I am really seeking other blogs to read about divorce, but ones that are positive and uplifting. Can you recommend others that might be helpful? Also how does one go about getting others to read their blogs? I’d love to get feedback from a community of others of similar mentality and in similar situations.
Thanks for any insight you may have. I’d say that I am sorry for what has happened to you, but the first thing I gleaned from my situation, is that it may just be the single most powerful circumstance in my life that has pushed a fast-forward button, speeding me along to a space of mending, grace and love like I’ve never experienced before. It seems like it may have done the same for you.
Travelling mercies,
TB
T,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate your awareness that “I’m sorry” should be replaced with “I’m happy for you”. I feel free, authentic, real, happy, a little nervous!, and so very grateful. And I’m happy for you!!
I’d be happy to share my thoughts with regard to your questions.
I have chosen to keep keep identities anonymous and not post revealing photos because out of personal preference. This is not a bashing blog; I am not writing to harm but to heal. So, the identities of those involved are inconsequential. I feel that you will need to decide what works for you and for your particular situation.
I look forward to the day when I can read the words of others, but at this time when I am not with my children I am writing. I have a list of reading material that seems to grow and grow with not a dent being made in it. Instead of wishing for the time to read or lamenting that I can’t kick up my feet and lose myself in someone’s words, I am aware that now is my time to write. I am so grateful for that understanding. I will have loads of time to share a porch with books in my future.
I am awed by the number of people who have found HGM and remain faithful readers. My audience has grown through word of mouth, mainly. I was fortunate enough to be asked to be a guest on Cocktails with Patrick and Lainey of Lainey Gossip mentioned HGM in a post. From there the kittens came for the
milkcontent. If you are just beginning I would suggest that you focus on your words and manifest that which you wish to create. Write from the heart. Be you. And then for the logistical stuff, search the web. I imagine there are massive amounts of articles on building a blog audience. I’d suggest some but I haven’t had the time to read them!My parting words…it will all play out as it has been designed by you. You’ll trip over a great book or blog, get a call from someone wanting to help, meet a new friend who has a friend who has a friend….just you watch! It will happen. I hope that helps you, T.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Just fyi,a partial checklist of what I learned over more than 6 years of lurking at sites after googling in “Will marriage to his affair partner last?”, “Why is he blaming me when he”s the one who cheated?” and “Will he ever feel regret for cheating on me?”
(1) If he says “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” he’s having an affair.
(2) If he says,”I don’t know what’s wrong – I’m just not happy,” he’s having an affair.
(3) If he says, “It’s not you, it’s me,” he’s right – it is him – but he’s also having an affair.
(4) At first he will deny the affair. Always check the home computer where he stored the pictures and e-mails under a subfolder, usually under a main folder with a “work-related” title.
(5) After he denies the affair, he will tell you how “relieved” he is to come clean and work this out with you.
(6) After he refuses to give her up and “work this out with you,” he will become angry with you.
(7) He is angry with you because you are breathing.
(8) He is angry with you because you are not her at that moment.
(9) He is angry with you because you are a complication that forces reality to intrude on the fantasy.
(10) He is angry with you because he doesn’t want to be reminded that he is doing something really sh*tty and hurtful.
(11) Ergo (7-11 above),his affair is your fault because (fill in the blank) _____ ["you put me last," "you aren't as sexy/interesting/different as she is," "the marriage has been over for 5 years," "I don't want a marriage like my parents had," "we didn't talk, play, sex, etc. anymore," "you don't understand me," and/or "we're not the same people anymore."]
(12) She (Happy Dancer/Interloper) is not better than you – she is only DIFFERENT from you.
(13) She does not represent his real life of bills and kids and commitment – she has him after she had a chance to slap lipstick and eyeliner on.
(14) No, she does not feel guilty even though she is breaching the sisterhood – she just wants what she wants.
(15) She is telling herself that if you had been a better wife, he would not have been looking for her so this is your fault.
(16) She is telling him, “You deserve to be happy,” “The kids are resilient,” “The kids want you to be happy,” “Life is to short,” “If only you’d have met me first…”
(17) He is telling her, “My marriage has been over for years,” “My wife is bi-polar,” “we never sleep together,” “we are getting a divorce [when the kids are out of high school, my's wife's medicine kicks in, after I move my assets to other accounts], “I deserve to be happy,” “I want to spend my whole life with you,” “you are my soulmate,” “if only I had met you first,” “wait for me.”
(18) He is telling himself, “I deserve to be happy.”
(19) He may regret the hurt he causes but he can’t tell you because then he’d be responsible for it.
(20) The new relationship will eventually falter because (a) the new relationship becomes reality with commitment, demands, bills and lack of lipstick and eyeliner, (b) May-December relationships are difficult, as are second marriages and relationships built on “being different,” another person’s pain, lies, deception and cheating and trust (the lack thereof).
(21) No, he doesn’t love her.
(22) The kids will take your side.
(23) She will resent the time the kids take from “them” until she’s tired of spending time with him.
(24) She will resent the money he must pay to you.
(25) He has pursued her because there is something missing in him. He will not find that with her.
(26) An affair allows the man to change everything but himself. But because there is something missing in him, no relationship will give him what he thinks he’s looking for.
(27) It will seem as if you and your husband apparently had totally different marriages. It is called recividist history and he will rewrite the entire marriage to share with any victim who will listen to him. You are not going crazy – if he told the truth as to what really happened in the marriage than his audience would know he was crazy for leaving it.
I have found that, generally, life will give you what you really want. It may not come the way you expect it to and you may not immediately recognize it when it arrives. You will not be alone if you want a relationship. You will find a way to survive financially. Your kids will learn that it is important to love yourself, too. Pain of this magnitude can only lead to goodness, if only to stop the pain. And you will create your life, rather than letting circumstances create it for you.
I have survived the one thing I knew would kill me. Now I see that I have thrived instead. And that, girlfriend, is the best revenge.
Love yourself, too.
“Capable Mary”
C.M.,
I SO love that name…
These words will stand on their own. I hope that everyone who comes here reads them. Thank you for taking the time to share them with me, with us. I’m so grateful to have you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
My husband and his girlfriend refer to each other as Mr. Big and Mrs. Big – no, they are not 12. He is 50 and she is 46. I found out about their first relationship five years ago. Their second relationship started two years ago and I found out about this two months ago. We have been married for 24 years. I realized after reading your blog that I don’t know if I love myself. Maybe that is why I am still married. Tomorrow, I start learning to love myself.
Thank you!
K,
I’m so grateful you found HGM. The greatest gift I have received was the realization that I needed to fall in love with myself, top to bottom. Laugh at myself when I screw up, be gentle with myself when I hurt, and know that I am deserving of a happy, joyful and abundant life. My relationship trained me to be one way, and my Observer Self is undoing that training by helping me to be grateful, to respect myself and have healthy boundaries, to focus on my needs. Falling in love with yourself is a natural and beautiful experience. Know that going in. It’s the single best thing I’ve done since the Pocket Call.
I am so excited for you as you embark upon this journey. Do tell us about your date night!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I just discovered your blog and love your writing! Having gone through a divorce myself, I know how helpful it is to read blogs of people who have “been there.” Kudos to you for putting your words out there!
I understand there are many stages to divorce and acceptance, growth, recovery, etc. I think I went through all of them about fifty times each! At any rate, those stages led me to happiness and eventually love. This journey of mine is the subject of my newly released book, The Great Search. My story tells the journey of one woman who looks for love as the solution for happiness. She soon discovers that the secret to happiness is not found in another person, but by doing the things that make her happy.
If you’d like to check out more about my book, please see my author website, abbeyalgiers.com. If the book is of interest to you, I’d be happy to send you a review copy and perhaps you could let your readers know about it if you think it’d be a good fit for your audience.
Thanks for your time and best of luck as you continue on your journey!
Abbey Algiers
abbeyalgiers.com
A,
Thank you for your kind words, A. And congratulations on the release of The Great Search! I will absolutely put this on my list and BUY a copy. It’s a good thing to exchange money for art. Best purchases ever. Art and food. And hiking boots.
Without writing I’d be a physicist. That would not be good for the world. So, the world and all the physicists in it should be happy that I stay safely attached to my keys and away from all proton blasting machinery.
I hope you stay at your keys, too, A. It’s where you belong.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’ve read your posts. Silently and aloud, most have resonated deeply over the last year. But I’ve never had the balls to reply until now — what a wonderful new year’s post. What a great time to remember exactly why we should love ourselves, and how we actually start the process. My journey began three years ago, but I have worked right through it. I am just now realizing how much the whole episode took from me — and vowing to take it back this year.
Rough seas make for a great sailor, my friend, and it is high time to sail. Best of luck, I have the utomost faith in you. And ME. And I’ll see you in calmer waters. xoxo
V,
Goosebumps. Everywhere. So glad to know you are here. And very grateful you took the time to comment. Your metaphor is a perfect one. As we roll with these waves, we are building quite the skill set! Not to mention abs. And have you seen those other sailors?
Whew.
I believe that together we will discover that loving yourself, truly and fully, is a key to making magic. Just today, after making two important choices that were in my best interest but not what I wanted to do, I was rewarded within hours. I see a date in your future, V. You’ve donated enough of your time to your prior relationship. Now it’s all about you. Sweet! Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I found your blog last weekend and read the whole thing. You are a brilliant writer and managed to singlehandedly pull me out of a funk I was in after determining I need to go through with my 2nd divorce. Reading your story is like reading my own and the timeline is similar too! I am about a year and two months into this mess with my non-husband. I am on a similar journey and had a couple of questions for you. I am worried about my age and the fact that the dating pool seems to be less than favorable. I am a young 40 with three children. Have you thought about “what if I never find anyone?” and do you think you could live out the rest of your life fabulously single? I am pondering this as being the challenge of my life. I’ve never really been single for long but it seems like I am not good at picking men with integrity. Have you pondered online dating sites as a way to meet people once you feel complete in your life or do you suppose once you feel complete, you will not go online because you won’t feel the need to meet someone. It is kind of a paradox to say that we are complete as an individual but then join a dating service. What are your thoughts on this? I struggle with this because I want to be happy with just me but then I ponder going on dates from time to time as well.
Thanks for being you and starting your blog. It has helped me more than you could know.
D
D,
I kid you not – less than an hour ago I had a conversation with my Mom about how the next post is going to be about That Man.
It will involve monks, fishing, and my desire to go nowhere.
Thank you for the outline, D! I’ll treat each question with care.
I Want My Relationships to Go Nowhere will be posted tomorrow evening, Thursday the Third.
If I was having a baby tomorrow I would name it Thursday the Third.
Thank you for your kind words and for your supreme commitment to rip through the equivalent of two novels in a week. Nice. I’m grateful you found HGM.
Love yourself,
Cleo
WOW, thanks for all of this : )
M,
For you, the world.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
This is in response to a recent tweet re: the title HGM.
I have often thought in the past few months as I have followed your blog that its name (HGM) while it made sense early on, reflects much too much of the Genius and his mother-of-all-missteps and nothing really of you, the you that is clearly insightful, loving, generous and so sharp (my favorite). Give yourself the stage in some clever form, and write that a-hole off the title. Just sayin’.
G,
Me, too, G. Me, too. It’s time to change it up. Somehow. Without losing the goodwill or making the words hard to find. A gentle shift that rewards us all with fresh air. It’s time to change the name. Which of course means we will need a naming ritual, a party – or grand celebration – and a new place in the Hall of Fame for HGM. It has served its purpose well.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and support the need to shift. So grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I just started reading this and so far I can relate 100%. My husband as well started having an affair in the fall of 2010. Only he went one step beyond most bastards who do this and he did it not only with a coworker but one he invited into our home on several occasions. Along with others who worked there as well and flaunted his mistress in my face and totally humiliated me. I discovered it one year ago this saturday when he finally confessed and was relieved he could stop lying…. relieved? My world is shattered at my feet and he was relieved. If that doesnt piss a girl off. Any how I wanted to thank you for writing this. I tried to start a blog much of it was deleted as his psycho partner in crime followed my every word like a bible and used it against me. Its Ang’s rant… if you ever get bored…lol…I have a few unrelated post and some were I try to pretend my life is just perfect….truth is nothing would make me happier than throwing her into a shark tank with a multitude of tiny papercuts and watching them eat her. I know I know hes to blame as well. I probably would have let her off the hook if this child who is 15 yrs younger than my husband and i and the size of a prepubescent teenage boy hadn’t gone above and beyond to insult me, threaten me and rub their “great love” in my face. She went so far as on my anniversary to send me a phone text and a facebook email telling me she “knew she was the love of his life becasue he hadd risked everything to be with her. and that when he stares in space or tells me he loves me to remember hes really telling it to her in his mind. And that because he had too much to lose in leaving he had stayed and she hoped I was okay forever being nothing more than his comfort zone. they had a love that was so great nothing could make it go away or replace it. Love like that isnt faked….like my marriage ” and then she had the nerver to wish me a happy anniversary. So yes I would like to take this girl who I loving refer to as both strawberry shortcake ( cuz she looks like her) and Twat waffle since I couldnt think of a more derogatory term in the beginning and throat punch her repetitively. Im getting off the point…lol….again thank you for making me realize that others do get investigative and pissy just as I have becasue somedays I feel like Im losing control.
A,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I am certain you didn’t intend for me to laugh, but T-waffle is really quite classic. I applaud your creativity!
And your restraint. Betrayal is complicated enough without the mistress coming out of the shadows. (What’s the male version of a mistress?) I’d like to say that one day she will realize how ridiculous her words were, but it’s no guarantee that she will mature. What a shame to be alive now and treat the opportunity with such recklessness.
I’m learning about healthy expression of anger these days. Before unloading, it’s necessary to spend time with the anger so that it’s not directed at someone unjustly. (Clearly, she is angry, but should she be angry at you? That would be awfully hard to justify.) Your ‘pissiness’ is part of the package of emotional upheaval. It’s how you deal with it that will create your legacy here. And whether or not you unload it on another. Quite hard to avoid, but we’re here to be challenged, no?
Mirrors can be so predictable. Smooth, silvery, reflective. How about take that shattered glass and make a new collage of your life. What do you see? I see magic. Not a woman losing control. A woman with a significant opportunity right in front of her. I sense a date with yourself might be perfect right about now. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi,
I have just read your entire blog. I find myself on the floor as my marriage of 21 years is exploding. I admire the strength you had to walk away — i did not — not the first time — not the second time — but here i am 3 times a charm. I am sad for my kids and mourning the loss of an intact family. But i deserve more — i need to remind myself that i am worthy of real love and do not need a selfish man child. He told me today he felt neglected because i would not give him a blow job while he was driving — are you kidding me??? His goal in a relationship is to be adored — smack me upside the head please — the definition of adoration is having someone kneel at your feet. Your writing made me feel like i can be ok on my own. Thank you! I am trying to love myself …
L
L,
I am so sorry for the delay in responding to your comment. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here.
I didn’t walk away the first time, not even after he said it was sexy that I said I would leave him if he ever cheated on me again. (That should have been a major clue as to what is most important to him.) But we walked away when it was most necessary, L. You aren’t judged by his desires or by his needs. You are magic because you are here and alive.
In time his words will show their true weight – zero. They only matter to him. To you they will matter until you let go of them. When you are ready. No rush, but don’t hold on longer than is necessary. Stay close and believe in your entire being that you are okay, you are fully in control of the creation that is your life and you are more than capable of creating magic. I know it in my soul. I am excited to witness the love affair between you and you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I enjoyed your post about the pictures of your little ones and how you felt like Mr. Genius had stolen those moments from you. I have gone through those same emotions when looking back over pictures that were taken during that 2 year time frame, In fact I deleted many pics from my hard drive of myself and my cheating husband. Looking at them made me physically ill. Our wedding just 25 days before he began the sexual part of his affair is still something I have had a hard time swallowing as we had written our own vows and said them in front of friends, family and those same coworkers that knew the flirtation was going on and that they were hanging out with each other.
So I told him I wanted a new wedding ring…something untainted. Our wedding pictures are gone locked away in a closet, and that day for me is just another Halloween party. ( we had a surprise wedding during our annual Halloween party) and just the other day I had told him I wanted a vow renewal. That I had hoped he would mention it but since he clearly is not a mind reader I was telling him what I want. He said he had already thought of it and was planning it for our trip to Mexico. We never took a honeymoon and are finally after 3 years of marriage and one very devastating blow to our marriage taking a honeymoon after a year of recovering.
I still couldn’t bring myself to look at pictures because like you every picture reminded me of an event or something that was said and correlated to his affair, until I read what Mr. Sensitivity had written to you. He was right….and I heard him loud and clear. My husband made OUR moments as husband and wife insignificant with his lies, but the moments shared with family, friends and most importantly the 4 little ones in this house those can NOT be taken from me. I DO cherish every memory with my children and I refuse to let the affair or that T-waffle take them from me.
A LOT has happened and come to light since I last commented to you. Turns out the T-waffle is just a liar. She is causing issues for others and claiming innocence. That she never knew my husband was married….ummmm she apparently forgot having Thanksgiving dinner with us, super bowl, Halloween, going out, the times I went into the work place bringing dinner,and the many times she was in my home with the walls covered in family photos while he stood with his arm around me talking to her and others….. so her lies essentially have set me free.
I realized that at some point I have to actually “listen” to what I’m hearing and “read” through the lines, decipher, analyze and ponder what I’m told because somewhere between what he has told me and the things she has spouted is the truth.
The good news is in setting me free…she unwittingly helped me move forward and leave some of my anger behind. That while she went sideways screaming and yelling about my blog and the contents of it…her anger over the lies I have heard her tell others and her anger over it being brought to life and called out on the lies , as horrible as it sounds, gave me enjoyment. Just enough to set me free from that crippling anger that consumed me almost daily.
I realized just how much clarity it had brought me when I was finally able to look at my husband without revulsion ad contempt.Then, when he said ” I love you, its always been you. I’m truly sorry, ashamed of myself for being weak, for lying, and putting you through so much. And I will spend a lifetime proving to you that you are the love of my life” In that moment I finally smiled again. A smile that doesn’t just turn up the corners of your mouth but shows in the recent pictures we have together. A smile that has light.
I don’t just visualize the light at the end of the tunnel anymore…I have walked through the tunnel and back into the light….but most importantly through this whole past year… I have learned TO LOVE MYSELF and not allow others to determine my value or the value of the memories I have.
So thank you once again for sharing your story….
And as you like to say…
“Love yourself”
-Angela
A,
You are brave and beautiful and courageous! I’m so grateful you took the time to comment and let us see the arc of your journey. It helps us all to be witness to the ways in which we all move through betrayal and fall back in love with ourselves.
Somewhere in between is the truth… Well said. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo